Wednesday, 23 March 2016

Pain killers for fellow alcoholics. A WARNING

Painkillers are big news in my life. I love them and i hate them. There are 2 types of pain killers in my life, Anti imflammatory and narcotic. There are 2 times of pain in my life, every day pain and crippling pain.
My back is fucked. My bottom 2 vertibrae are split and crushed (through years of bricklaying/building work) and there's nothing i can do that will repair them. They are permanently fucked. I do daily physio exercises though that strengthens my core which protects those vertibrae and this really helps me live life without any painkillers.
When my back goes, the muscles around my damaged spine go into spasm.They lock and shreek and render me crippled. If you are fortunate, you can go to bed for 2- 3 weeks and those muscles will unlock and whatever shit you've done to irritate your spine will calm down. Unfortunately most builders aren't in this position. This is where painkillers come in because your daily exercises are now impossible. Normal painkillers (your paracetamols, nurofens and the stronger diclofenics and naproxins) don't work on a back locked in spasm). You need the good shit, our friends codiene and tramadol mixed with the stronger anti imflammatories Naproxine or diclofenic.
When you are weak from pain and at breaking point, the relief is delicious. You feel the warmth envelope you, suddenly you are loosening up and mobility returns.Suddenly you are singing again.You can feel heat in your lower lumber that you know isn't a good sign but you are working. They work and if you have to finish that job they are a godsend.
The problems begin if you are an alcoholic/addict and this is why i am writing this piece. If you are an alcoholic, you are an addict. Unless you take on a life of complete sobriety then you'll simply replace alcohol with another drug (that drug may be less destructive than booze, such as weed but you'll still be a slave to that drug). You are an addict, face it.
It's funny, in all my years of sobriety, i was never warned about painkillers. I actually find this hard to believe, but as i was never an AA convert, i wasn't really hanging out with other addicts to heed the warnings.
We are talikng codiene based products available from over the counter such as Nurofen plus, co codemol, Solpadene etc and then prescription based stronger codiene pills Solpadol (stronger co codemol) and the synthetic codiene,Tramadol.

Ok so here's how my addiction to painkillers began.

It starts subtle and you won't even realise. So the first time i took Solpadene/co codamol (available from behind the counter) i didn't even see this as a problem. It didn't get me high, it helped with my aches and pains and it raised absolutely no warning bells regards the fact i am an alcoholic/addict. This was at the start of my back injury before it had become a real problem. Looking back, i remember my mum saying i was addicted to the stuff but because i got no pleasure from it, it didn't compute.
The warning bells started to ring however after i got my first taste of proper pain medication. My back was locked and i had to travel in the back of a van, horizontal on my back, to a wedding. I took some of my dad's Tramadol/ Dromadol. Bam, i was high. Like seriously high and at bliss in the back of the van. Whoops. But hey, i was injured, this was allowed. And what a treat those pills were. I'd been completely mind numbingly sober for about a decade and suddenly, release. What is interesting here is that i had taken valium (prescribed by a doctor for my fear of flying) a few times previously but this never effected my sobriety. The addiction in me wasn't stoked on these occasions. When i took that tramadol, i wasn't looking to get high, i was looking for pain relief. BUT, my addiction clicked into place. All that low strength codiene bought over the counter, suddenly got linked to the Dromadol. BAM! This shit can get you high.
And i guess, once you've been high from opiates, you notice the subtle high previously undetected. Something changed.
I didn't suddenly become a raging pill popping addict. Like all addiction, it's a progressing illness, It's gets worse over time.
Ok, so the easiest way to progress with this piece is just to tell you how my life went from here and goes these days. Are painkillers a problem in my life? This is how it used to go.

Let's start sober.I am working, my back is behaving,i am doing daily physio, i am clear of head and my life is sweet. I am not suffering from depression. I am happy.
I feel my back starting to go. But i am in the middle of a job so i start taking regular nurofen/paracetamol.
The job progresses and the pain gets worse. It starts to wear me out.I start thinking about codiene. i make it home.
Wake next morning and the back has gone. It is in spasm. Physio is not an option, taking the day off is not an option. You go to the chemist. Actually, you go to 2 chemists. 1 for the Solpadene and another for the Nurofen plus (chemists can't sell you both. This i called the magic mix and it will get you through a few more days of graft.The magic mix helps but it doesn't stop the pain.You're counting down the 4 hourly intervals between mixes.
You go to the doctors and you get stronger painkillers. These work.You are able to work.You are able to get by.
So what happens next? Well obviously you are fucking your back up by working but now you have the means to continue. You get repeat prescriptions (coz you've just gotta work haven't you?)and your tolerance to the pills goes up (just like your tolerance to all drugs go up). You are now mixing your tramadol with shop bought magic mix, you are also completely fucking bonkers moody.
Being in the building game, you have access to plenty of other painkillers from other builders. You'll never turn down the opportunity for pain relief so you'll greatly accept the offer of the odd box of Oxy Codone, valium, codiene or more tramadol. Your fellow builders are not addicts and they do not know that you are an addict (or wouldn't understand the danger they are putting you in)so they are happy to give you their old painkillers.
A year goes by and suddenly you are a crazed pill popping monster who somehow always manages to get hold of pills. Your back is still fucked so this is justified. You are eating 12 pills at a go,every 4 hours, 4 Tram,4 codiene, 4 valiums and you are bonkers. You are essentially a junky.
You also realise that your back doesn't hurt anymore. You've been aware of this now for a while but decided to ignore it.
You are extremely irritable and moody and bonkers.
You decide to go sober.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Enjoy the ride. Coming off of presciption painkillers will be the hardest thing (physically) you have had to do. It is undescribable unless you've done it and totally different to coming off off alcohol. You now understand all the films you've watched on junk addiction but i suspect this is worse. This is my account of coming off pills.
I guess i am lucky to have an understanding of addiction being an ex alcoholic so when i decided to get clean, i meant it. I wasn't kidding myself, i really wanted this.I was serious. I chose New years day.


Day 1 is the easiest. The week before you've been going at it hammer and tongs coz you know that it's coming to an end. Day 1 you are still high. This doesn't stop you from being insane.Wound up like a spring. You loose it in a queue buying croisants from a posh bakery in Muswell Hill and threaten to kill the miserable man working on New Years day. You go home. It isn't too bad.You are confident.

Day 2

The ants arrive. The ants first turn up in your gut but quickly spread to your balls. You find yourself scratching and wriggling. The ants are cunts. You can't relax. Now remember that you are an alcoholic so drinking to placate the ants isn't an option. You have to just let them ants wriggle around inside your flesh. They don't let you sleep.

Day 3

You start puking and this feels like you're getting somewhere.Then you start shitting and you start getting weak. Of course you can't eat, of course you can sleep, the ants won't allow this. they are now having fun building their nests in your legs.

Day 4

The groans on the carpet. Hahaha This is a good one. You are broken, you are weeping, you are tired, you are sick, you are dirty. So you moan. This is great, You lie on your landing floor at the top of the stairs in your swaety pants and your moan. You turn on your back and you moan, then you weep hahahaha. There is nothing else you can do. You haven't slept for 4 days.

Day 5

The malaise. The malaise is a great day because up until this moment in your life, you've never understood what it means. It means this, you are NEVER getting better. You feel no better than yesterday.You may as well die.

Day 6
The fear. The fear is hilarious because the malaise of yesterday hasn't abated. You are NEVER getting better. You may have slept the odd hour in the last week but nothing has really changed. You are still in your pants on the carpet at the top of the stairs. So you pull yourself up and venture to the living room where you sit on the sofa. Suddenly you realise that you are seriously feeling suicidal.Like seriously,And it's a really scary feeling. Weeping and groaning you pick yourself up and put some loose ill fitting clothes on. You have to get out. You have to be with people. You go to the building site where you were supposed to be all week because if you don't, you might kill yourself. The usual 30 minute journey takes a ridiculous 2 hours because walking is really fucking difficult (ones legs are awfully wobbly you know). You've spoken to your understanding boss (who knows your history) and he's expecting you. your boss opens the door to you.When he goes to give you a hug you burst into tears. This makes the other builders feel awkard which is quite funny. You sit in your ill fitting clothes on a scaffold board an offer to make the men on site a cup of tea.This takes you about an hour and after the mountainous effort you realise you have to go otherwise you will die. The ants never stop annoying you and the malaise won't let up. You shuffle off weeping whilst your fellow builders look awkward. The 10 minute walk to the train station takes an hour. You get home and lie in your pants at the top of the stairs again for EVER.

Day 7

The fear again. You aren't puking, you aren't shitting and the ants have stopped building new nests. But the world is BLACK. You have a little groan and a little weep but your tears stopped bothering to flow about 3 days ago. You can't believe this MALAISE. How can you even feel like this? Why isn't it getting better. It just isn't ever getting better. You start to get scared and think you are going to kill yourself. Well you don't think you will, you just start imagining you hanging from a rafter or you jumping infront of a train and then suddenly that idea doesn't actually seem that bad and then you get scared again and realise you have to be with people. You make the 2 hours (30 min) journey back to the building site. You sit in a cold dusty room. You don't speak or anything, you just need to be with people incase you decide to kill yourself. When you realise you are making the builders feel uncomfortable you shuffle off home to groan and weep and hang on but then on the bus, you suddenly realise you are GOD! You look out of the dirty window, out over the tracks at Kentish Town and you realise you are a GOD!! The air is literally sparkling around you. You see stars.Your brain explodes.The malaise has abated. You frantically scribble the answers to life on your phone. On that 24 minute bus ride you write 10 songs. You are more dangerously insane than you have ever been. In this moment of you the supreme being you recognise that you could be feeling what a bi polar person feels when they have an episode. Your god like status blissfully last about 30 mins then you plunge into blackness.

Day 8

proactive day. This can't continue, you don't feel better. You manage to eat some marmite on toast and get into that fucking hot awful bath. The water burns your flesh off and every bone in your body aches. Oh yeah, i forgot somewhere in the last 6 days, your body was set on fire. You back injury burns, your knees burn, your elbows, ankles burn. Your injuries of old are all ablaze. You remember this is why you took painkillers in the first place. This brings on a great malaise again. You sit weeping with your purple green knees pressed against each other in the water. You feel so weak you can't bare it. You NEED to sleep so you download a relaxation tape on your laptop. You listen to the relaxation tape in the darkness, lierally praying that it will work, literally holding onto that stupid voice for dear life. I am not fucking with you. That relaxation tape becomes your life, your world.You hang onto it with you whole being.Focusing, praying. It tells you to find a safe place. You are pleased that your safe place in this desperate hour of need is your partner lying next to you, the time when you first met her. This comforts you. You don't sleep but you hang on. It's morning again and you are in your pants at the top of the stairs groaning gentle.

And then

Repeat this scenario for about 3 weeks. It is a very slow process. You heal very slowly. You go to work because you have to try. You are weak but it does you a world of good even completing the smallest of tasks. Your strength returns but it takes so long that you don't even realise when you are healed. Coming off of pills is the hardest thing i have ever had to do physically.
It is also COMPLETELY different to coming off of alcohol. I'm actually kinda stoked i've managed both.

My relatinship with painkillers is ongoing but i've never let myself go back to where i was. I've accepted that i have to earn a living and sometimes that means the pills again. This time i'm acutely aware on the addiction as it takes hold and i've been able to detox from it before it gets out of control.
The last time my back went i simple said no. I stopped work. I didn't go down the route of pills and within 3 weeks my back was better. A typical back episode previously would last 3 months.

So here's the deal Alki's and addicts, if you are on the wagon, if you have never touched codiene and narcotic painkillers in the past, DON'T GO NEAR THEM!!!! Treat them as you would a lovely can of Stella yeah, you don't pick up. Pill addiction will take you back to where you were and we don't wanna visit them places again do we!

Love you all. I just wanted to share my experience with you so you don't follow in my foot steps! Stay strong, stay sober! x

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Bicycle etiquette- the laws of the road

I've been riding bikes and skateboards all my life and by the ages of like 8 you kinda understand that those big metals things you share the road with (other vehicles) are bigger than you and go faster than you so you don't fuck with them because they can squash you. Little cars respect vans, vans respect lorries and we all respect horses. We all respect the bigger vehicle. These are more awkward to manoeuvre so they unofficially get right of way. This is called "the laws of the road". The laws that sensible people abide by. You also learn very quickly (by age 8) that you do your best not to fuck with the flow of traffic. This is because people in cars are trying to get somewhere the quickest way possible (cars go faster than bikes for the most part). They don't have time to leisurely cycle to work. Yes, cycling is an efficient way to travel in the city and over short distances but let's be honest here, you cycle because you like to cycle. Builders can't cycle to work, nor delivery drivers because the vehicles they are driving are their work. The vast majority of car drivers do respect you and don't want to run you over.
Cyclists riding 2 abreast (and yes, even at the speed limit) is a blatant self entitled antagonistic piss take. No one likes to be stuck behind a tractor, no one likes to be stuck behind a police car, no one likes to be stuck behind a funeral procession. But these things happen. We have no choice whereas you and your mates in Lycra , chatting 2 abreast (do you even notice that motorcade snaking behind you?) do have a choice. To be a cunt or not to be a cunt. Roads are there to get from a to b. It goes both ways and you 2 abreast riders are actually making people hate cyclists. Sort your lives out, I've heard Segways are all the rage these days. Why don't you go drive off a cliff....

Friday, 4 March 2016

Trolleys thank you lyrics


Disappointed,i hope you are
you should of called
i guess you had better things to do
with whom,i know
Getting angry
you can test me all you want
i used to play the chess game.
not anymore
now days i'm just colder
and i won't mess
what ya see is what you get
and i'm pissed with you.
no more insecurity
you can stoop as low as you wanna go
and i'll hate you
I'll despise you
and i'll worship you
you got my stomach in a grinder
just one postcard email or a phone call
i'm open honest fair
can you say the same things about yourself
don't hang around at the airport
you won't find me at the bar getting drunk
i'll be sleeping on my own
having nightmares i'm your yappy dog
lost with out an owner
where is my partner
you are my spring time


And the love went,
hard to admit that shit coz we were friends
friends forever.

and i let the orange juice
roll down my chin onto my clean white shirt
Orange juice rolls down my chin.
and my girl'll come in drunk
shoot her drunken mouth off
i back down to stop the screaming
coz it's 3 oclock


and the love went
hard to admit that shit coz we were friends
and the love went,and the love went
and the love went
hard to admit that shit coz we were friends friends forever,

you know i gotta go out,
get something for my head
if i keep on doing this i'm gonna end up dead.
Thirsty and miserable
like a black flag song
Thirsty and miserable like Obi Wan
in the desert with the sand people.

Mid 8

hooray another pain in the ass
thorn in my side
player of games just died

and i am here
in hollywood
with all the fakes
and all things shallow and false.

and now i wanna smash things
but it aint my house to break
it's the crack of dawn and seagulls
are keeping me awake.
i'll pull back the curtains
shut out the light again
and i let the orange juice
run down my chin.


be my remedy
lock me up but please don't lose the key
i'm blind to God but he can see me.
Give me excitment
thrill me,fill my life with glee
release me
give me purpose


create me something new to take today
i'm bored and i don't drink no more
i'd like to have ten wifes but i doubt they'd get along

when ya down
drink away and drown the pain
throw away your life again
in the morning.
Take the pills
drug me and rid the soul of a body
and run away
run away.

Learn to live again
adolescence as a man
see the world through eyes as clear as crystal
Yeah it's harsh
to remember how you got this way
but now you're free
remind yourself daily
remind yourself daily

If only you were older, older like me
things just might have worked out satifactory
but what is there to work out if you don't know what is wrong
but know this i loved you
it's always the same, somethings never change
another year has passed,another one that didn't last
another photo for the family
another present round the christmas tree
another one for my old man to walk in on
you naked flesh now burned to memory
but know this o loved you
another one gone and aanother love and i'm lonely so lonely

Not Mine

It's funny, i always wanna read what you have written
and you never wanna see what i have done
and everything i do i do for you for you
i could run away to South America like my friend Dan
could fly to Florida to see my dad
yeah it's been a while and i miss him
and i wish i had a talent like you, maybe i could learn to write, do something with life,
it's far from perfect.
And he plays guitar all day, he'll play the strings away
such a pretty song he plays, why won't he play with me
I'll do my best to dress how you want darling
i'll try to keep my weight down
coz skinny boys like skinny girls and i'm drowning
drinking coffee in bed
watching you play guitar
being in love is so wonderfully painfull it breaks my heart
beautiful bastard, wonderful pain, bruises round my neck, you know what i'm saying

i used to wonder what you wanted from me
i tried to play it cool but i could hardly breath
you were the hottest thing i'd ever seeen
why did you only call me when i was leaving
and that is why Zara i hate you and that is why Zara i can't date you
and that is why Zara i'm lonely
Sexy Sandy got let off the lead
Married way too young now you're having porno fun
i wish that you had told me
My feelings when too far
and now you're taking your clothes off and breathing fire
and that is why Zara .....
Why don't you phone me that would have been nice
Why didn't you call me that would have been nice and that is why i hate you
Now i look for mementos under my bed
last night i found you on the internet
you've give me nothing to love
Yet i love all of nothing.
The perfume on my pillow, the ass everyone's fucking
And that is why....


You never wanted one of my songs, go cheapen someone else,
don't insult me,there can be only one.
They said it wouldn't last, a sober alcoholic farce
they said i was to sensible for Candace and her too drunk for Alex
Her too drunk for me
And i know my music isn't cool enough for you but i'd like to try the tight pants if you'll let me.
Seduced me on a plane, fed me grapes and valium and swapped stories of lovemaking in Paris and it hurt Alex
And it hurt me
I went to Los Angeles expecting to find someone else dancing in your boots
proving me wrong again
Los Angeles, i bet my soul that you were like all of the other girls, proving me wrong again la la la
We'll spend our lives together, move to the country, buy a golden retriever and start a family.Imaginary children us on holidee, granny's moaning in the car whilst mum makes sandwiches in Los angeles...


A scowl across my face, we travel before the successful
we the African princes come Toliet cleaners, we the tired Polish whores,
We the Indian lawyers come security guards
We dissgruntled English forced out of jobs once secure
a big fuck you to a failed schooling 2 decades before
altogther knackered, all together now, we'll walk these roads forever, fucking hell
One day we will be successfull
In fathers eyes a failure, a drunk a fool.One day i'll photograph the tired early in the morn.
One day a bacon sandwich won't seem a luxury, Starbucks an irresponible indultgence to me
and i will return one day to white sheets and clean carpets, i'll return successful to my palace, give a shit a flick crumbs on the floor
one day we will be successful, one day we'll succeed.
I am angry and hateful of the Romanian Christian, coming over here and taking English mens jobs and then he shares his meagre lunch with me and i feel even worse.

i sit in the back of the van, cold limp and damp.This miserable man.
But you don't understand so i speak slowly like an imbecile
Here in the dark, felling the crush here in the dark
as the monsters clammer for my life
Sucking it dry so it's no good for anyone else
no good for anyone.......for me
Am i a robot, a lump of living misery
Whoring my soul for a disshonest buck
With a bit of luck i'll win the lottery
Here in the dark feeling the crush
as the monsters....
Bleeding me dry, bleeding me bleeding me dry....


So dangerous, walking on glass, irresponsible to friends and family
put up with enough to last a lifetime
i like the way i kid myself and jeopardize it all now, well who's the fool now
i just love the way i kid myself, so weak easy to please God help me
i just love the way you tease
Walk away away my friend you're being messed around again
From clouds reality descends like a wrecking ball to batter out your brains, well you're insane and you will pay with your soul
I just love the way the way i kid myself, so weak easy to please god help me, i just love the way you tease
la la la nah na nah
Your shout what ya gonna do now, what ya gonna feel like , fuck like ,taste like, run away run away from the temptation, you aint safe from this relationship coz you're in too deep and you will pay with your soul, pay with your soul
I just love the way....

Wah wah wah wah
I've gone too far, passed that final barrier and i've gotta accept it
We all make choices and we choose the paths we gotta take
that's the way it goes
Protect me from the places i have been
Protect me from the places i have been wah
I need support so carry me you are my strength you are my personal religion.
You are my wine you are my lust you are the drug that i can trust
i'm gonna be a burden
Protect me from the places...
And if i go there i aint coming back, don't think i've got another chance coz i aint stupid and i won't kid myself becaue i've been a fool and i've been selfish and unwise
but if my life had been a movie i would press rewind and play twice
rip out my heart

Show me how, unlock the secrets in your head, show me now, trust me with your nakedness, show me yourself, show me your inside out.
Singing singing at the seaside.You're incredible, your knickers will be down soon.
When i see you smiling i misinterpret something, that you feel the same as me.Render me speechless.
Grant me a wish,i'll want for nothing more.Give me a chance to show you i'm worth it.I'm good enough for you, hold my gaze, look at me you're incredible.Utterly incredible
Singing singing at the seaside....
This infatuation destroys relationships, i don't give a shit.Percy Sledge has said it all before Singing at the seaside
We'll spend our lives together move to the country.Buy a golden retriever, start a family.Singing ....


Write me a script. Smile empathise, look downtrodden, shall i wear the black or the blue.Look at you, who taught you to bow. i'm the queen of the fickle hearted
This is a fact and i'll be exact i guarrantee that i'll be laughing when the ship goes down on you my girl.
i'm the face of compassion.Taught to wipe away the tears, poor dears. Get your kicks from educated officer, colonel, general, pass the suspender belt.Cross dresser, Eton school boy, back seat drivers social climbers.
This is a fact and i'll be exact i guarrantee that i'll be laughing when the ship goes down on you my girl.If you're to drown expect no rubber ring from me.
Bought your ticket to the other side, bought your tickets to the other side....
Get rid of that bitch she looks a bit iffy, where do they teach these people to curtsey.What's that on my rota, not that on my quota, hospital visit, they named it after me.Darkies again most convincing...
Bought your ticket to the other side didn't you
This is a fact and i'll be exact i guarrantee that i'll be laughing when the ship goes down on you my girl. If you're to drown expect no rubber ring from me.


I go running to burn some energy my girl's emigrated and i miss the idle chit chat mundane relationship banter.
I look at the ladies in the street.Once in a while they see me. Can they tell i'm lonely. Maybe i should buy some new clothes coz i'm feeling older now. Try a bit harder to find a more suitable partner.
i'd likek to say there's no reason to be discreet. Let's get it on coz the world cariies on drinking drinking round me.
Bullshit, can't be assed small talk bullshit awkward things to say did you have a nice day. Do i really want to watch you eat, sit like a plum on a cinema seat whilst paying no attention to a movie.What a treat absolutely, thare's no need to be discrret you know what i want let's get it on. this could be fun and i'm fed up of running around balham.


3 sylables like Timbuctoo obvious but mean em.It's time to change the text rewrite an alphabet.Coz i wanna take you to my room i wanna come way too soon, i wanna spend my waking hours rolling in the flowers with you girl.
Whatever you believe in, whatever you're seeking, whenever you grieve i'll cut myself in sympathy and bleed with you
I'll bleed with you.
Chemistry, that's what it is, chemical reactions, believe me when i say ihate it.
Coz i hate you for making me feel like this.It takes the piss. Love its a terrible madness, love is a terrible madness


We came together and i realized how rare the treasure. We fell and rested, our breathing rapid, returning to calm.We came together.
That prefectly timed moment before the world returns like freshy fired bricks.
We came together and you were warm.You do not dissapoint. You calm the storm in my throat, the storm that rages in your absense, rages in my gut, we came together.
That prefectly timed moment before the world returns like freshy fired bricks.We came together, we came together.
We came together and i still get lost in your kisses, i still get lost in your breathing.We came together and i still get lost in your eyes, i still get lost in your talking, we came together