Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Basics tea.A poem

I bought a packet of tea
for 28p
from Sainsburys.
Lasted for weeks
that basics tea
and that's 28 pence
well spent.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

She cut her finger

She cut her finger
when i was in the bath.
Cooking the dinner
which i had to finish
Aoife is selfish beyond belief.
I hadn't even the chance to get shampoo in my eyes.

One finger is never enough

It sits there in the cupboard.
Andy May's caramel dipping sauce,
like it says on the label.
Like Nutella,
you bastards mock us from the shelf.
come on cunt,
dip your finger in.
Just the one will do no harm.
But then it's a spoon
and then it's on the floor beside your bed in the morning.
Empty and used
spent and gloating.
Gotta buy another jar now haven't you cunt
Gotta buy another jar.


Poem to Mastering company "Chop em out" who delivered CD's (as well as breakfast)to MCA records back in the early 90's)


You kept us alive
you fed us as we fried our brains
Ever so slightly
You weren't to know
Your gastronomic backhanders
treats for the ones that could afford to eat lunch.
We fell on your croissants like vultures
Fellow colleagues probably afraid
But would gladly of denied us our daily feed.
The irony
Straight from a seedy Victoria hotel bed
Stinking of sex and guilt and musty sheets
Monday to Friday
One massive party
hundreds of pounds a night
Acid and booze and coke and sex and violence and arguments
We lived like extravagant kings
lording it up in the glorious streets of Soho.
Back to Mayfair
To work at the bottom
Always late and broke
Begging for scraps and smoking butts.
Malnourished but for Chop em out`s complimentary pastries.

Poem for Saturday

How long does a fuck remain your property.

Two days,


I love the face of a fuck moved on.

That rosey red awkwardness.

That slight betrayal in the gut

even if it was only a fuck.

Making excuses,

places to go.

That pastey white body already better

coz it doesn`t belong to you no more.

The pearly white awkwardness

And then suddenly

the pearly white awkwardness

utterly useless.

We`d planned such magnificent things

removed from fingers

like stringy dirt

dispatched without love

onto the floor

Where it lays

with hastily removed clothes and phones on silent.

Fuckin pigs.

Man,this makes me sick.
So my buddy is in a pub toilet having a piss on Christmas eve
Minding his own business when these two big fuckin meathead type casuals come in,use the toilet and then after washing their hands,One of them flicks water in my friends face and they both laugh and are obviously very proud of their bullying behavior and they walk out gloating.
No provocation,just throwing their weight around.
We're talking about grown men here,mid 30's,not kids.
So my buddy(who happens to be about a foot shorter than both of them) clocks which one did it and after collecting his thoughts,calmly walks out of the gents,strolls up to their group of people and smacks the big laughing prick in the mouth.
Gives him time to respond,
But does he fuck.
Wanker shits it coz he knows he's a bullying wanker.
so my buddy walks back to where his drink is.
Next thing
the other meat head walks up and informs matie that he has just "Smacked Old Bill"
Matie says "fuck off,you know why i fuckin hit him"etc
But matie leaves to avoid trouble.
So check this.
Even though the old bill wanker was off duty and causing trouble with his dumb cock pig buddies,some pig bitch that cock here is probably fuckin starts harassing the landlord of the the pub everyday to name my matie.
Givin it the "we'll send plain clothes down so you best not be protecting him etc"
So my mate tries to do the right thing and goes down to the nick to sort it out,coz he's a decent sort but the bastards down the cop shop know nothing about the incident or the WPC with a chip on her shoulder.
The bitch don't even work there.
Which would suggest that it's just this bitch and her wanker cop causing more shit coz let's face it,they are a bunch of animals.
So matie gives em his details to be helpful and thinks that's the end of it.
But check this,
He's recently been called back in and the bastards have cautioned him.
Which will be on his record for 5 years
which would suggest he's done something wrong.
Now i'm not saying that it's right to go round hitting people in the mouth.
But these were two big guys intimidating a much smaller guy in a pub toilet.Flicking their pissy hands in his face.
I've been kinda sympathetic towards the police in recent years but it's kinda hard not to want them burning after maties story.


Suddenly the room don`t smell so nice

Suddenly you wear too much make up

Suddenly you don`t take as much care as you should

and your tits are well rubbish

Suddenly i wish i weren't hanging out the back of ya mumma.


In the shadow of the Westway
Sun Bright and dusty
the scag head Chelsea thugs
pulled a 2 inch blade
and nicked Horsey's bike.
Council estate boys
Would of done the Clash proud
Whereas i
Fuckin hate West London

An observation

I have just discovered that ones penis hangs prouder when not cooped up in skinny ladies jeans

Said crushing apparel and "Relentless" fueled pre gig adrenaline renders the boy a disappointing weakling at the urinals

Like peeling a poorly albino slug from my inner thigh.


after a sweatpanted jaunt to the local shops

said member returns healthy tanned and beautiful

weighty and strong.


The Fireball Jawbreakers

Sit on my Bookcase and tempt me

But it's never just one is it.

Soon i'll be back to a packet a day

raving about the best fun 20 pence can buy

and the skin will have dissolved from the inside of my mouth.


Did you know that half of the worlds drinking water comes from Tibet?
There's like a load of rivers coming down a load of mountains i guess.

Did you know that those naughty authorities in China dump all of their nuclear waste in Tibet?
They mix it in with the soil and say it is fertilizer????
So all that shit gets in the rivers and pollutes and fucks things up well bad.

Nice eh?
I just did a show for the Tibetan cause(not because i'm a freedon fighter or a good person but because i fancied an acoustic tickle this eve) and a nice man from the Green party got on stage and told us all lots of horrible things that are happening over there.

So when you next see a Tibetan monk down Sainburys,give him a high five and a knowing look and say,"I know about them Wankers running China,anything i can do to help?"
I'm not very good with politics.

I'm also rubbish at spelling and punctuation.

But we like them Monk people.

They are nice.

Just thought i would spread the word abit more like.

Doggy style

Is it normal to want

to stick ones thumb

up the ass of the woman

you are giving one?

Rush hour

I hope that i don't ever end up

with a drudging woman

going to work on a bus.

Voice deep and boring,

hair highlighted

and cheap business suit

a naff old pink.

And there's me,

basking in the waft of perfume.

Pussy whipped,


Oh so sensible haircut.

Her junior by a decade.

The hours

The hours.

Like starving wolves.

Day in,day out.

An hour on site,

an hour away from your hard sour wives.

Always pushing,

notching up.

second after miserable second.

While me and my language are dumped for prison guards and murderers.

The blonde

Blondes are magnificent.

Flaming lioness.

Billowing barley field.

And you know

that the hot piece of skirt

walking in front of you

will be a horse.

But you'd have a go anyway

Romance aint dead

Walking home,

the woman follows

100 paces behind me.

Not to be seen together.

I'm undressed before the top of the stairs.

before she's reached my door.

Taking her by the hair

i lead her to a fuck without feeling.

My room ,my mattress.

A protest to care,be gentle,be kind,

but my head is buried

before her jeans have hit the ground.

A tangled mess round tied ankles,

and football tits like double punchballs,

bouncing around.

Mattress moving

accusing girlfriend

knickers found behind the sink

semi limp

too drunk to think to care

too drunk to think to care

If you could have anyone

I have been

a dream fuck

once upon a time.

She came

from Cambridge and chose me

out of all the guys

she wrote about.

She had to think hard

i give you that.

It wasn't as if my face sprang to mind like lightening.

But then i was there

The one with the dodgy hair

from that band.

He looks like fun

and then i broke your heart

and drank your money

and ruined your studies.

Fucked you in front of class,

tits to the window.

Doggy as the wind chimes chimed.

And i lay there

feeling worshiped,

your dreads scratching against my flesh

as i received

such light

freshly shaved cunt kisses.

Dragon stout and skunk blazing.

The king in the single bed.

Grieving for the dead

loving the drama

totally confused.

Back of the van 2

Oh the irony.

Forgive me baby Jesus for my cynical heart.

Those bleak,potato faced,puffy alcoholic eyed journeys from site

have been replaced by the joys of religion.

Relentless Christian indoctrination.

The worker drones up front

with glazed expressions hiding dreadful Romanian pasts.

Hurtling along

with scant control of the wheel.

Gospel blasting


Angels on the roof.

And i feel the demons in my gut,

squirming from this hell.

thankyou Jesus.

For your power to heal

and keep an eye on the bastard behind the wheel.

He can't drive for shit

The back

Woe to you bastard

make thy walk like stiffness old geez

and pain will wail and cuss and spit

as i curse you traitor spine

judus betrayer

Why thou torture eth?


Today is all about not going to skool.
I once went to skool
about 20 fucking years ago
and i hated every single miserable second of it.
I went to a boys skool
we wore maroon
and they made me do "sports"
I had to do rugby and athletics
once in rugby i scored 2 goals but check this,coz everyone in my spacker team was amazed that i was scoring goals,they all cheered and the bastard bearded rugby sports teacher dis allowed them.
He could not handle the fact that i scored against his golden boys team
and i only scored coz i was real cold and it was better to run than stand still.
And i remember standing in the showers guarding my teen manhood as the rugger games teachers ogled.
Why in gods earth would i like to shower with other men????
To this day i don't like pissing next to men at the urinals
i hate men
Men are ugly.
I like girls coz they are pretty and generally smell nice
they also make me feel good inside.
Oh yeah
so today is all about how rubbish my skool years were.
And thank the Baby in the sky that they are now a million glorious years behind me.


Now you know

Alex is a builder.


Push a broom,

lay a brick,

piss up a fence.



Poem 1

Watching you,
Slow blinking me away.
Your one-sided smile
Conciliation to the fact that
This is merely a fuck.

Poem 2

Squelchy fox behind the piss tree.
Dead cos they poisoned you.

Poem 3

Sometimes I have 3 lungs.
When I'm bored, people seem gullible that way.

The end.

Tube journey

Yeah i'm bitter.
and i didn't realise.
Did i once walk around,
eyes only for one lady?
Kissing on the tube.
Public displays of affection i think not.
Dropping ones guard.
Them defenses miserably open for bastards like me to write shit on.

7.39 AM to faversham

Absolute peace.
That one time read on that early morning train.
Reds sky followed the frost that the salt didn't get.
And soon i'll be growling.
spreading the shit on the walls.
Racing against time.
The plasterer.
the sad pathetic romantic plasterer.

Non sex action xxx

I've been getting a lot of non sex action of recent.
Maybe that is why i am constantly angry?
Non sex is where you expect to get it and then you don't.
I have been having non sex action with multiple partners this Christmas.
I love it.
And to top it all off,it is well cold.
And i was skateboarding along and i slipped.
I almost could of hurt myself but i didn't praise the mother Mary baby Jesus
Would anyone like to have non sex with me tonight?
You know,
Like really get my hopes up?
Oh go on,
I luv it.
Actually,that last bit did make me laugh.
And it's good for the soul yeah.
Happens when ya happy.
Which i rarely am.
Coz i..m a cunt.
Nothing to say.
Keep it that way.

All of my poems rolled into one!

"I saw her with her golden blonde flowing locks, and doth lay her down on the grass...the horse went galloping past in the wind..and i did her...well i aint picky!!"

How cool!!!
This was a comment some chick left on Facebook after our recent Bromley show.
I think it's brilliant.
Fuckin spot on.
I would just like to say Camilla that i love all women.I don't treat you lot as pieces of meat.I would never stick my cock into a piece of meat!!!!
That would be wrong and dead.
Like i like to fuck corpses????
Which is sick.
And if i do a bit of feline cat porn then so be it.
The cat shouldn't be on the bed yeah?
If mummy wants cat to watch then that's her sick prerogative.
Is that how you spell prerogative?


Taters this ye olde cold morn.
Frost pon cobbles thy master did slip.
Turtles neh haveth.
Weepeth i shall.

You is the badness

You is the badness
You make me wanna spunk.
You make me wanna puke.
You ruin my day completely,
i is hooked.
You make me doubt myself.
You make me nervous.
You were supposed to be a distraction from the million and one other girls i'd fallen in love with in the last week.
At least the Thames is calm tonight.
The lights in the water look pretty.

Early morning people

Dark outside.
Pain in the bathroom,
wincing from the light.
Leaving that warm bed.
What a fuckin nightmare
All them windows,
all them sleeping people.
Dark outside.


I can't help it.
Every time i see an image of conservative leader David Cameron,
i mutter "cunt "under my breath.
You should try it.
Seems to help.

(I wrote this way before the Tories gained power.I don't think many people seriously believed he'd ever be prime minister hahahaha.)

I got the runaround

I got the runaround.
I didn't deserve it but i'll let it go
Because you are completely fuckin mad.
Tits like bangers,
C cup,
smack in ya face,amazing.
Shame about the old hat piercings,
we like to chew without losing fillings
and who wants to suckle on metal.
Keep taking the pill,
keeps em firm.
Keep taking the pills,
keeps you from driving off a bridge.


I am angry and hateful of the Romanian Christian.
Over here taking English jobs.
And then he shares his meagre lunch with me
and i feel even worse.

One of the greats that i let slip

God i love you lot.
All them wonderful tits waiting to be smashed.
Shame i'm a bricklayer
Stuck down a fuckin footing,
in the sleet,
shitting on my head
and i aint driving
some big flash motor
with some dolly bird all brown and glorious
complete with tasteful highlights.
Oh look,
a wood pigeon.
I like them.
All soft and quacky.

The Woods

The woods have magic.
They are a secret place.
where you dreamed of licking out
the older girls.
you are not happy.
Is it possible to be happy as a boy?
Mad and crazed as a horny deer?
Foraging for damp porn
between roots and owl holes.


On the tube.
Invading my territory.
and i wonder,
what kind of man are you?
That relax's his arms against mine.
"Some kind of fuckin poof?"

Heart of Darkness

You know what book i fuckin hate.
Heart of Darkness by that Joseph Conrad.
Modern fuckin classic my cock.
Yes,call me whatever but can i ever get past the first few pages?????
Sooooooooooooooo fuckin boring.
Fuck you Marlow
fuck your boats and ya wandering
I don't give a fuck.
How many times i've bought that piece of shit from Oxfam just to watch the type blur into tits and ass and vengence as i think about my life.
I'm sorry Joseph but i can't do it.
Does anyone have any tips for me?
How does one read Heart of Darkness without falling asleep?
And on the same note,On the road?
On ya mum more like
where i'd rather be
Fuckin cunts

The Flying Medallions.The End of.

There are lots of Medallion storys.
The Medallions,my band,but I`ll start with the last one worth mentioning,also the end.
We had been away for the weekend,France and Belgium for a couple of festivals at the end of the Season.September 9/10th 1995.
This Clearwater one was pretty cool.I remember the back stsge area.
Each band had their own tent.These big green army issue ones with a fully stocked picnic table inside.The usual Premium lager(2 crates),6 litres of Coke,2 bottles of wine,60 Bensons,7 pieces of assorted fruit and a 2 course hot meal.Wicked were the riders.All venues/events had to supply us with this shit as part of our contract.
I remember tipping over Rub Ultra`s table with them on it.Can`t remember the reason.
Just me bowling into their tent and then they were on their backs.
Hehehehe.I was a cock.haghahah
The gig was standard issue.I was completely fucked as always.Can hardly remember them.Some more than others.They were losing their edge though.We were just going throught the motions.
This is what I remember.David was our driver/tour manager.Now we were supposed to be staying in a hotel that we had booked.But Mr Stevens was keen to get home.
Mr Stevens has always been sober,so geezer decided to drive.
We get lost big time.We keep ending up in Germany!!!
Keep crossing the border?Fuck knows how.Anyway,all are fucked up in the back and front,More border guards,lots of laughs and pine forest.
At some stage in the night,Stu swaps positions with a now sober David and we are back on track and on our way to England.
The next shit is how I remember it.Everyone has their own version of events.I was fucked and a wreck.This is what I remember.
I am awake.
But it don`t feel like it.
Tell me this is a bad dream.
I am hitting the roof off the bus,then the floor,being smashed to shit by every hard surface my head can find.
Take a milli second to realise we are rolling over and over,flipping over and over at fucking massive speed.
So this is the end.
I seriously remember thinking this.
Pure crazy fuckin mental panic.
No time to be scared
In that split second,all scenarios played out.
Where are we rolling and flipping and spinning to?
Off a cliff?
Into the oncoming lane and into a juggernaut?
Waiting for the impact.
How long ya reckon.
I dunno.
But it went from a milli secnd to a long drawn out painful demolishion derby.
On and fuckin on.
Bang on the head.
Bigger than my poorskull should be able to take and still we screamed.
Metal on concrete
And then the huge collisions stop and it`s just screaching.
Upside down,screaming on the roof,
Waiting for the final impact that`s gonna kill me.
Straight up.
It is gonna happen.
And then noise ends.
Did I faint?
Fuck knows.Looking back,I`d say I was out for a good minute.
Maybe it was the bang on the head.
So I`m on my own in the back of the van.
And then I`m crawling out.
And I`m laughing.A hollow useless laugh,limp but still a laugh.
Coz we`d survived another ridiculous Medallion mishap.
I hear Christian and Jason,over by the hard shoulder,moaning maybe,Pissing?I dunno.
Then I see Stu on the ground.
Poor Stuey`s bust up good.
The boy is fucked.
A fresh skinhead and his head looks like a broken hard boiled egg.
And he`s on his front,and he`s trying to get up.
But man,he is fucked.
Gagging and retching and puking
I know it in my gut.
Get to Stu.
Reassure him.
Contact.Tell him to relax.Tell him he has to keep still.
It was Stuey but he wasn`t there.Was like a zombie on the concete.
And all I can think of is,coat.I will put my coat over him to keep him warm.
A useless fucked up impossible horrific situation to be in.
Your best mate,a broken zombie in the middle of a French motorway.
And then Tasha is calling me.To come to Duggie.
And I don`t wanna coz stu`s fucked.
Where the fuck is Christian and Jason?
I remember thinking that.
Ge over here.
Stay with Stu.To Jason maybe?
And then there`s Duggie.
Another Zombie.This one staring into the abyss.
Making a dreadful racket.A nasty hyperventilating choke.
And he`s deathly white,more than usual and his eye socket is caved in.
For years I put out of my mind the tears pouring down his face.
He was staring into the afterlife.
He knew.
Poor Duggie.
So we did the coat regime again
And we reassureed and we waited.
i remember this.
It was street lamps.
A motorcyclist on the opposite lane stops,Turns round and back up the highway the way he`d come.
To a phone I guess.
Then lorries,traffic building up.Thank fuck this happened at 6 oclock on a Sunday morning.

Medallion night at Glasto

Glastonbury.Night 2 lights and brown dry earth.The odd blade of untrampled grass catchs my attention.Surrounded by a gang of black drug dealers.Knifes drawn they don`t know what to do with me.
I`ve been tickling their chins.
I suppose I`ve harrassed them for chemicals.
Turning circles to face them all.
Come on.Come on is what I am saying.But I`m drawing out the ooooooooon bit.
Knifes down at groin level.
It goes like this.Apologies then come ons,apoligies then come ons.
Willing them to try.Showing them that I don`t give a fuck.Don`t care about the knives.
Don`t care about anything.
Head full of everything.Oh look,it`s Horsey.My rescuer.Explaining to the boys that I`m not right.Relief in their faces.The knives go back.But again I go forward.Tickling their chins,giving the come ons.Horsey leads me find fire and drink.Anything.We ended up with sour white wine in green Sprite bottles.
We huddle round a tiny blaze we create at the side of a throughfare.
Revelers ask to sit.But only after they have taken the acid we offer.That`s the deal.You must trip to join our gang.
The drug game.
On leaving the back stage enclsure,you must buy and take everything that is offered on sale to you.
So with in an hour,you`ll be a walking chemist.Pockets filled with mushrooms,acid,speed,ket,coke,hash cakes,ballons of laughing gas.Heroin and pieces of assorted Cornflakes packet LSD and baggies of dried basil.
So much that soon,you have to start forcing it on the others.The ones that want to join you.There were always plenty of others.

Story of a labourer

I am a short man.I have a really iritating nasaly voice.I am slightly over weight.i have a chronic skin problem.Acne,well into my 30`s.
I bleed daily.My back looks like a pizza.My chest looks like a pizza.But my face could be discribed as handsome.
If I don`t open my mouth.Which stinks like an ashtray.As do my clothes.
I care about appearances.I like to think I scrub up quite well.
Pink jeans,Expensive Italian leather shoes(£20 from TK Max)
I wear gell in my hair.Wet look,spiked and cut by my depressed hairdresser girlfriend.
I have a big 8 inch cock.
I like to fuck hard.
I`ve always got a hard on.
I could get one now if I wanted.Smash em to bits I do.Smash em to bits.My jackie will limp for a day after I`ve had my way with her.
Like a fuckin rat I am.Smashing and gurning.Driving my pizza cock into her.
But I love Jackie.
I save the rough stuff for the others.
So many.Lost count years ago.Others,mothers,whores,bores,Chinks,blacks and pakis.
All the same to me.
Like last week.The blonde and the nip.
Saturday and Sundays screwing.
Walling home from the pub.Argument with the Mrs see.
This blonde asks for a light.
Well I`m fucking battered.Done £400 quid up my nose and down my gullet.Dad`s 400 boys actually.Hahah another fuckin cock up.So blondie gets her smoke and we get chatting and then she`s showing me her smashed front door.The Ex done it see.And then I`m inside and I gotta oblige the lady like the gent that I am.
And then it gets interesting.
See Geezer.He`s always telling me that what women really want is a good slapping in the sack.
Now `I`m a gentleman.I don`t believe you should ever raise your hand to a lady.
But matie fuckin slaps his girls all over the bedroom.Chokes em,straggles them,drags em round by the hair,takes his belt to em.
He`s always egging me on to try it.But that aint me.
And you`ll never guess what.
He`s only fuckin right!
Blondie wants my belt round her face,round her throat.
Fuck me.So I`m smashing her to bits.Choking her with my belt.
I`ve got it round her neck.Driving into her from behind.
Lovely tight little ass on her.These crazy gutteral noises coming from up from.Eyes bulging outa her head.
Fuckin slag.hahahaha.Slap that ass.
Anyway.Them choking noises were starting to sink home so I stopped let up.Didn`t wanna kill her.
Didn`t know where the fuck I was the next morning.
Woke to her in the shower.
At least she`s alive.hahahah.
Get me the fuck outa here.
Guess matie was right though.
All over me.
I must have been off my head.
Can`t find my boxers.
Woke without my Shirt on.Blood stains all over the bed from my poor skin.
What she must of thought.
That`s the rule.The shirt never comes off.

"I hate you " lyrics

I used to wonder what you wanted from me
I tried to play it cool but i could hardly breath
you were the hottest thing
the hottest thing
why did you only call me when i was leaving?


and that is why Sara
i hate you
and that is why Sara
I can't date you
and that is why Sara
I'm lonely

Sexy Sandy got let off the lead
Married way too young
now you're having porno fun
I wish that you had told me
my feeling went too far
and now you're taking your clothes off and breathing fire

mid 8

why don't you phone me?
That would of been nice
why don't you phone me?
that would of been nice
Why didn't you tell me
that would of been nice and that is why Sara
i hate you.

And now i look for mementoes under my bed
Last night i found you on the internet
You've given me nothing to love
yet i love all of nothing
your perfume on my pillow
the ass everyone's fucking



A scowl across my face
we travel before the successful
we the African Princes come toilet cleaners
We the tired Polish whores
We the Indian lawyers come security guards

We disgruntled English forced out of jobs once secure
a big fuck you by a failed schooling two decades before
all together knackered
all together now
We'll walk these roads together
Fucking hell


One day we will be successful
one day we'll succeed

in fathers eyes a failure
a drunk a fool
one day i'll photgraph the tired early in the morn
one day a bacon sandwich won't seem a luxury
Starbucks an irresponsible indolgence to me

and i will return one day to white sheets
and clean carpets
i'll return successful to my palace
give a shit
and flick crumbs on the floor.

"Not mine" lyrics

It's funny,i always wanna read what you have written
you never wanna see what i have done
and everything i do i do for you
For you.

I could run away to South America like my friend Dan
and fly to Florida to see my Dad.
yeah it's been a while and i miss him.


And i wish i had a talent like you
Maybe i should learn to write
Do something with my life
it's far from perfect

He plays guitar all day
he'll play the strings away
Such a pretty song he plays
Why don't he play with me?

I'll do my best to dress how you want darling
i'll try to keep my weight down.
coz skinny boys like skinny girls and i'm drowning

Drinking coffee in bed
watching you play guitar
being in love is so wonderfully painful
it breaks my heart

extra end Chorus

And i wish i had a talent like you
Maybe i should learn to write
Do something with my life
it's far from perfect
beautiful bastard
wonderful pain
bruises round my neck
you know what i'm saying.

"Guts" lyrics

Disappointed i hope you are
you should of called
i guess you had better things to do
with whom i know
getting angry

you can test me all you want i used to play the chess game.

Not any more
nowdays i'm just colder
and i won't mess.
What you see is what you get.
and i'm pissed with you.

No more insecurity
you can stoop as low as you wanna go

and i'll hate you
I'll dispise you
and i'll worship you

you got my

stomach in a grinder

Just one postcard,email or a phone call
i'm open honest fair
can you say the same thongs about yourself?

Don't hang around
at the airport.

You won't find me at the bar getting drunk
i'll be sleeping on my own.
Having nightmares i'm your yappy dog

lost without an owner
where is my partner?
you are my springtime
you are my spring time


Different lyrics


be my remedy
lock me up but please don't lose the key
i'm blind to God but he can see me.
Give me excitment
thrill me,fill my life with glee
release me
give me purpose


create me something new to take today
i'm bored and i don't drink no more
i'd like to have ten wifes but i doubt they'd get along

when ya down
drink away and drown the pain
throw away your life again
in the morning.
Take the pills
drug me and rid the soul of a body
and run away
run away.

Learn to live again
adolescence as a man
see the world through eyes as clear as crystal
Yeah it's harsh
to remember how you got this way
but now you're free
remind yourself daily
remind yourself daily

Milky jellies

Milky jellies.
Wobbling platters.
The summertime favourite in every hungry males lunchbox.
Framed in black lace on a cream cotton background,
drizzled in white wine spritzer,
the flushed English rose.
utterly delicious

We are the England

We are the England.
We are sick pale thugs with wonky teeth.
Tracksuit clad venomous cunts.
They say that the rancid bite of an Englishman contains more cholera and dysentary than an African river.

Hot day you know it

The escalator traffic seems to indicate towards the hot day i'm having.
All those cheeky glances,young and old.
And i stand there poised and sharp,
returning the eye smolders.
Legs slightly apart,groin forward.
Teasing those hot sweaty bitchs with dreams of an afternoon fuck in a London hotel room bed.

The trail

I can follow an ass like that anywhere.
Up an escalator,
through a crowded station concourse,
down a fuckin mineshaft.
I comet tail your heavenly path,
eclipsed at intervals by stuffy pencil necked city bankers,
your white linen clad majestic return ever the sweeter to my eager glare.
Plump ample cleft,
light bountiful volume,
delicate plumage.
To rest thy flushed cheek pon such a peach.
I need a wank.

Pig dogs on public transport.

What the fuck is all that about.I just got off the train.To 20 fuckin pigs givin me the eyeballs with their cute pig dogs sniffing me for illegal substances i guess?Aint that a little too much in a massive fuckin way?I thought with stop and search the cunts had to have some fuckin reason to pull ya aside?But this was just loads of stinking uniform and their pig animals hanging at the ticket barriers sniffing everyone???????I looked as shifty as possible just so i could take a pop at the filth but alas,fuck Fido was too chicken shit to stop this criminal desperado.Damn.So what i did yeah,i fuckin got my cock out and sprayed a good one all over the WPC's.Piss dripping off their navy swine bonnets.And then i wanked all over plod and fucked the canine animals with my limp cock.And everyone applauded.And i was lifted up high and i surfed the commuter packed train station.Naked.Writhing.And everyone kicked the fucking bacon to death.mmmmmmmmmmmmmSorry.I realised when i started this poxy blog entry that i did'nt have enough hate to get my point across.So i kinda lied at the end.About me pissing on people and naked crowd surfing.I like that V for Vendetta movie.With that well fit bird in it.I would of liked to have been like the V man.Well hard and with super human abilities.Then i would of saved this country from serious fuckin impending doom.IMPENDING DOOM.Sounds dramatic.But so are we.HardDramaticHandsome.mmmmmmmmm

Saturday, 3 September 2011

Miss Percival

Had a bit of school desk graffiti going round my head this eve.
Funny to of surfaced again after 23 years.
Went like this.


(then someone had later written)


(and the reply)


I like that.I remember Miss Percival to be short in stature and patience.
A sour faced shit show of a school teacher.

Pon the scaffold the wind cuts through

Fuckin awful bricks.
Why do you plague me?
Oh vicious Thermalite.
Wind doth blow your poison dust in my eyes.
Cement,you cunt.
Burn my hands.
Burn through my wonderful piano playing hands.
My hands.
Let tears fall on my boots,
for i shall not wipe.

My brand new poem.

I`m a plasterer,
yeah,i plaster.
I can stick ceilings on the roof.
Stick bricks together.
Stick fuckin wood on ya fuckin mooey.
I can spin round in circles,
fuckin bang my head on the stairs.
Yeah,fuck off,go screw yer wife.
Lucky bastard.

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Crusty lyrics by The Flying Medallions

When i look at you
it makes me wanna puke
scrawny bunch of slobs
dirty pack of dogs
smoke ya poxy joints
tripping out ya mind
lazy bunch of wasters
think you are headcases
middle class upbringing
safe secure background
always got ya way
end up in an ashtray

useless crusty we love you.

treat ya mum like shit
she don't give a shit
but i think ya wrong
but ya never wrong
influence the young
think ya really cool
wanna be like you
start to bunk off school

useless crusty we love you

you aint going nowhere
ya lives are full of shit
but you won't admit that
you're going down you fool.
I can't understand
the way you work your head
fuck you idiot
You're all dead.

useless crusty we love you
useless motherfuckin crusty beg off me and i'll stab your poodle
have a bath.


Boy Racer lyrics by The Flying Medallions

In the seat of my brand new Escort
140 mile an hour she runs.
She can overtake Porsche's,drag race Ferrari's,
my only arch enemy is James Hunt that cunt.

Flames scorch my bonnet and wings
as furry dice keep me in style.
Blacked out windows,alloy wide wheels
drives all the pussy wild


But there's one thing that drives us on
in that impossible dream
John Travolta and Olivia
Burning down that drainage ditch stream

Me and my bird sit on leopard skin seats
Trevor and trace across the glass.
My back seat racers doing their thing
with their eyes and ears up their ass

Sainsburys carpark on a Saturday night
is where we like to pull.
Plenty of poony well educated stuff,
trouble is my car's too full.


Saturday, 20 August 2011

Letter to Pwos and Ad.

i just sent Aoife to Tescos to buy me 12 crispy creme donuts!
Fuck yes.
I'm gonna stuff my fuckin face.
I'm gonna seriously eat at least 4.
The 1st one i'm gonna ram in my gob WHOLE.
So that's what i'm doing anyway.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

The Murderburgers,Wonk Unit,DeeCrack ,Emergency Bitter fuck up Camden

This is a show i'm putting on.
the reason it is on my blog is that the bullshit i wrote made me laugh.x

Sunday, October 9 · 2:00pm - 7:00pm
The Black Heart
2/3 Greenland Place
Camden Town, United Kingdom

The Murderburgers are from Glasgow.Don't be put off by this.They are friendly and i'll be on hand to translate any questions you may have for them.To make matters more difficult for us all,they'll be touring with DeeCracks from Austria!!Now i don't know how the fuck we are supposed to communicate with this bunch but hopefully they'll have there own translator.Maybe like one of those sign language people who stands in the corner of your telly when a deaf program is on.Yeah man,sign language Austrian translators are well cool.I reckon it will be a fit bird call Agatha.Yeahhhhh.Then there's Wonk Unit.Everyone loves wonk unit because of their amazingly lovable bass player The Pwosion.He is friends with the cast from Eastenders.Fuck the others,they are both cunts.I have asked Emergency Bitter to play.This is because they are men.Real men.Sensible,dependable,bi​g chunky men.Who smile.And that is really the most important thing in life.Smiling.Even if you are fucking miserable.Many thanks.


Sunday, 17 July 2011

Sharon (The Flying Medallions)

You're a fuckin dirty old slag
You're disgusting dirty old slag
You're revolting dirty old slag
I hate you,you fucking slag

You're a fucking dirty old slag
Spotty faced bitch,golden handbag
Fishnet stockings,white high heals
Gin and tonic sleeping pills

You think you know the fucking lot
well i know your cunt is filled with grot.
Frizzy pubes covered in crud
what's that smell urgh cod

your face looks like a wild boar,
come on then boys let's beat the whore.
Don't feel guilty,don't feel shit
Trust me men,she's used to it.

Come on boys let's beat the whore,
kick her in the face,knock her through the door.
When she's bleeding,just don't stop
haha haha haha not.

Fish and chips,greasy kebabs
don't forget darling you're a dirty old slag.
Come to me for attention and shit,
fuck you bitch,suck my dick.

Coz you're a slag
and i'm glad
it aint sad
that you're a slag.

You're a fucking dirty old slag
if ya fuck the bitch things must be bad.
Go on Kevin give her one,
pick axe handle up the bum.

What is in that golden handbag?
Stinky old perfume ya dirty fat slag.
Little tart sucking uncles dick
but you don't care you just want prick.

All you tarts around the earth,
legs apart lying on the turf.
Don't look at us with anger and hate.
The Flying Medallions,think you're great.

Coz you're a slag
and i'm glad
it aint sad
that you're a slag

you're a fucking slag you fucking slag!

The good old 90's eh.
how the world has changed.
No one seemed to bat an eyelid with the lyrics above.
In fact,the song Sharon was on a split single with Green Day.
Looking back,these lyrics were fucking awful.Fuck me the PC brigade would of had a field day.

Monday, 13 June 2011

2 things

My name is Alex and i want to share with you this evening 2 things.
One good,
One bad.
First the good.
I wanna talk about steak.
Yep,the flesh of the cow.
You know when you cook steak at home and ya always left thinking,Yeah,nice but i wish it tasted how you once had it in a restaurant.
Ya get me yeah?
Well check this,this is how ya cook steak.
OK when choosing ya steak it's important to look for fat kinda mottled through the flesh.
This is called marbling.
Up until recent i always looked for the leanest cuts thinking it would be the tenderest,tastiest choice.
Nope,you've been conned blud.
That marbling,that fat,cooks out and desolves in the pan and makes ya beef taste wicked.
Telling ya,go buy a rib eye.
These are the dapper don daddy of steaks.
Fuck all that fillet mignon fillet steak loads of dosh bullshit.
those steaks are for the pussyole yeah.
Ok,but what cuts ya buy aint what this piece is about.
That's what we're saying.
this is how ya cook ya steak.
OK,turn on ya hob,highest heat.
Put in a glug of olive oil.
Let your pan heat up hot as hot can be.
that oil's gotta be smoking.
Proper hot.
while it's heating up,pat dry ya steak with a piece of kitchen towel.
When ya pan is volcanic,this is the good part chuck in the pan like maybe a third of a packet of butter.
Watch that fucker sizzle.
Now,salt ya dry steak on the side that's going down 1st.
Put the bastard in the molten bubbly butter oil cauldren.
there's gonna be butter bubbling all round the steak.
With ya spatula,you wanna like spatule the butter,like keep coating up,licking up the steak.
Flip the meat,salt the side and repeat.
I like my steaks pretty well done(5 a side and flipped again) but reckon to do a ribeye medium rare you want 2 mins a side then rest for 2 mins.
The butter cooks the meat well good.
you get that brilliant flavoursome char taste.

OK that's what i wanted to say about steak.
A good thing.
Now the bad.

I know i shouldn't do it coz it always pisses me off.
I google Wonk Unit to check up on the happy world of punk rock.
And once i get through the millions of gig listing and myspace/facebook blarb i'll stumble upon a review.
And it is alway BAD.
Like nasty and bitchy and just totally fuckin wrong.
The kind when you think,hang on,were you even there?
I came across one earlier.
An acoustic show,a good support actually with the guy from the Slackers.
It was a local show for me and at leat 70 percent of the audience were my friends but were also down for Vic.We're talking about 50 people
We all had a laugh and i like to think i did a good job in warming up the people for the headliner.
There were a few people on before me but they didn't really have an audience.
You know the sort of set you see a million times but no one pays attention and you feel guilty for not watching the whole set.
Now if you were to go by this review on a very punk credible site you'd actually think that the opening acts were brilliant and i was a load of shit.
That my whole take on life is some comedy fucking routine penned for laughs,cringe worthy awful and of terrible terrible bad taste.
I write about my life you fuckin cunts
No one elses.
I write for me.
You poor fucking punk rock lambs you.
Telling ya,i stuck my blood covered cock on the 1st album just so you pissy nameless wankers could write shit on me.
OK,rant over.
And it wasn't aimed at you people,my blog followers who are all my friends.
I just hate the fucking poison some people write about me.
I just wish i could rough em up a bit.
Not too bad,just a few punchs.


Saturday, 28 May 2011


Just remember man,whatever ya problems,at the end of the day,it is YOU that picks up the glass.You have a choice and you are choosing to drink.It's very easy to blame outside influences for ones alcoholism but to be honest,that's just a cop out. It's not as if we have our hands tied and they're the ones pouring the drinks down our throats.
Sorry if this sounds kinda heavy but there aint really a nice way of saying it.
We are the problem.It is our choice,no one else"s.
I say this to ya coz i remember hearing it myself for the 1st time.
I was in a group therapy session at at drying out clinic and everyone was talking about ones previous failed sobriety attempts.
And i was whinging about how my girl was still boozing and offering me no support and that my career had been wrecked after The Medallions had that motor crash.
And the councilor was like,"what,so she was forcing you to drink?She was lifting the glass to your lips?"
And i was like "aaaah"
It was after this that i realised that all my previous bouts of sobriety had failed coz i blamed everything and everyone else for my boozing but NOT myself.
I guess "acceptance" kinda really hit home after that.
It's down us and us only.
Sobriety is seriously the best thing ever.
If you are fucked,if you are an alcoholic then it will not get better.
It's down hill all the way for us lucky cats.
We may be able to briefly control it but i reckon we all know by now that it never lasts long.
All that lovely guilt we wake up to every day.
Staying sober isn't an easy ride,
there's never a time when you are suddenly fixed BUT
life gradually gets better and continues to keep getting better.Life becomes good.It really does.
The 1st year is the hardest,you have got to keep busy but after a while a time comes when you start to forget that you are suffering.

I could never imagine a life without drinking.
I just couldn't see it.
I would probably of chosen death and in fact i almost did.(i burst a massive artery off of my heart and i was bleeding internally into my lungs effectively drowning in my own blood) but this didn't stop me drinking (it was a violent incident involving a loved one that did).
Now,it seriously doesn't bother me.
Sobriety is normal,just as being fucked off my face was the norm back then.

It sounds cliched but we gotta arm ourselves against possible relapses,just shit one can do/avoid bla bla bla to avoid falling off the wagon etc
If any of this makes sense then there's plenty more stuff that would be good for you to hear.
Just shit i've learnt along the way like.


Thursday, 31 March 2011


Saturday, 12 February 2011


I find drunk people just so interesting.
The way they invade your personal space.
Basically it gets me hard.
And oh,the way they spit at you when talking and it always lands in the corner of your mouth.
Ooh give me more.
Please,please drunk fuck.Repeat yourself just one more time
and if you`re a girl,
walk as slowly down the street making yourself oh so obvious to all the wankers just so ready to throw punchs at your ever so grateful chaperone.
Gosh,i`ve just come........

This is an old blog entry i just found on Myspace.It made me smile.

Do the world a favour,be our drummer.

This statement.
About doing the world a favour.
I think that's fair enough.
Coz don't we all know that cool kids love Wonk unit.
Actually i'm not sure that kool kids are allowed to like Wonk unit yet.
They were in San Diego last year.
But that was because we didn't have a drum kit or amps so we used a bin instead and just plain Di'd the guitars.
That was kool.
We impressed the hell out of the kool sharks there in the Soda room.
I loved that show
and i loved the cool crowd too.
Big up the kool crowd.
And yourself.
Does anyone out there fancy playing drums for us?
I mean,there's some pretty heavy bait here,know what i'm saying.
You get to sit next to Kool Cat alex and his wonderful loving persona.
And Tommy.
He is dark and swarthy.
He is nice too.
We are like men.
But kind men.
Don't think we'll mollycoddle you in any funny way though.
We are men remember.
Tall dark firm men.
Men who've done their time on the road.
Men who've walked life the long way round.
Heterosexual men.
you like that.
But if you were a homosexual drummer then that would be cool too.
Possibly even cooler?
We would actually join the cool skool if we had a gay drummer!!!
Ok,you don't have to be gay to join wonk unit but if might help.
Or a girl drummer?
That bird from the Carpenters could play some mean funk that's for sure.
Ok enough's enough.
I started this bulletin uninspired.
And now i an happy because a few minutes later,i have laughed out loud and felt the creative juices stirred for the 1st time in a while.
I will put this on my blog.
and i guess i'll also put it on Fuckbook.
Yes i meant Facebook but hate it.
errrrrrrr oh yeah right.
this is the deal.
Touring pretty much starts in March.
1st the Uk then mainland Europe(east side) in June.
We'll almost certainly head out to the West coast of America at some stage this year and Japan keeps taunting us.
Have you seen Lost in Translation?
Oh my fuckin God!!!
That Scarlet bird is fuckin amazing with that pink hair wig.
Did all us men not fair fall in love with that piece of fine american ass?
That was me going Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.
I guess i was trying to explain my love for her.
and i don't care what anyone says yeah,her and Bill Murrey got it on at the end and lived happilly ever after and everything was good.


Friday, 7 January 2011

Ode to the 5 Shitty fingers

Hi Duncan, on my way home this evening thought i'd write the "ode the 5 shitty fingers."


EEEEEEEYOOOOUUUU make some noise, we'll shriek in the squares of England's towns
we are the five shitty fingers

Verse 1

The rustler of horse he stole
until the lord put him in gaol
where the fiddler fiddled
to the ode of the five shitty fingers

Verse 2

Meat a hefty man of pie
and on his platter no meat did spy
to cook he roared 'i'll run you through'
and ran away with the five shitty fingers

Verse 3

Gayblade a dandy merry fool
Gayblade like to wave his tool
and maidens flocked to watch him dance
to the dance of the five shitty fingers

Verse 4

Two-tits Tommy Argentin
could pluck a song from mandolin
dark as dusk and swarthy too
he plucked with the five shitty fingers

Verse 5

Now village fool, a simple lad
idiot, but no means bad
beats the drum like his monkey
to the beat of the five shitty fingers

This is sung to the tune of Melody Number 1