Saturday, 14 January 2012


Hi everyone.
My name is Alex Johnson and today i'll be writing my second installment on urban street games.These modern day "hopscotchs" that are taking our fair capital,Ye Olde London by storm.
Last year i wrote the phenomenal best seller "Yes Transporter,the laws of the road" and can i just say,i'm a very rich man because of it.
Now translated into 18 languages,even the French are playing!!
Oui oui!Non non avec chat noir?

Enough,let me slip into my soft goose shawl and begin with the rules.

WINNER,The rules

For 1 to 6 players (preferably friends but works equally well with work colleagues)

Winner is the best game that has ever been invented!
It's almost as good as "Yes Transporter".

So i am a man.
Not a gay man,just a boring "normal" one,so the "Winner" is almost certainly going to be female.

Can i just point out that if a "squadron" of women were playing or perhaps a "strangle" of homosexuals then the "winner" is most likely to be a man.
Have you noticed i didn't say "male".
This is because it would leave a gateway open to pedophiles forever on the search for loopholes in the law making the sexualization of children legal.
The word "male"can include children as well as the elderly both of whom are illegal to fuck and also discusting.
The sour bitter taste of children and the elderly are things only a pedophile can ever love,the reason why so many schools and hospitals employ them.

Anyway,the "winner" is the person you most want to have sex with on your travels throughout the day.
So say you and your labourer "Adam" are working on a driveway down Hermatage road and you spot a nice looking lady walking past,then i'll make the "call"
Your co player then have to acknowledge your winner and agree,even if it is sometimes reluctantly.
To disagree shows bad sportsmanship and defeats the lighthearted point of of the game.
So where to go from here?
Well,when the next fit lady is "spotted" you have to decide if she is the new winner,ie hotter than the last and if so,then all hail the new WINNER.


Thought you got away with that too easy didn't ya?
Well there's no going back on a winner.
Once a winner,always a winner,at least until the next one is "spotted".
"Loser" is not a nice term to use when referring to "Women".
The only "Loser" in this game is "You" when ya get it "wrong" and it does happen surprisingly often amongst all the excitement.


We've all done it.
Called a fit piece of ass from 100 yards away only to discover to our horror that on closer inspection she's a pensioner with good legs,blonde hair and a refusal to grow old gracefully.
Well she's your winner now and that means that you have to have sex with her!!
That's the risk,
that's the brilliance of winner!
You see,in the excitement of the fresh catch,mistakes can be made.
You make your bed,you lay in it AND THAT MEANS YOU GOTTA HAVE SEX WITH A GRANNY!!


Sometimes pickings can be slim.
Perhaps you live in a small village without a 6th form girls college packed with "horny vessels".
Don't despair,let the games begin!!


Blow that whistle,wipe away the tears,stop worrying.
You just gotta play with what ya got.
Maybe your winner in the village is the angry butchers wife with the bust from heaven?
Maybe Sally the lollypop lady has the ass of a teen but all the sexiness of a plank of mossy wood?
So who decides?
Ask him and he'll always give you a straight answer.
Where would he rather be?
Soaping himself stupid between a fat pair of tits or slipping around in the lollypop lady's wishing well?
His answer will be forthcoming and direct,your cock will always know!
If there's one single fact that i've learnt in my miserable life,then it's that you can always trust your cock to make the right decision for you.
Happy gaming squire!


Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Facial hair and stage etiquette

I have a few minutes to kill before i roll.
So let's talk about facial hair.
You are allowed to be clean shaven
You are allowed to be hairy and unshaven.
you can have beards.
You cannot have groomed beards.
They mustn't be all even and straight with clean cut lines.
It's a fuckin beard yeah???
Coz you can't be fuckin bothered to shave.
That's the point.
It aint no fashion statement.
OK ok ok i'll pull back a bit.
You're saying that you need to shave the lower neck coz of the rash that develops?
I'm not sure.
Why not lose the whole fucking lot then?
In fact yes.
Lose the whole fuckin lot.
You aint allowed to shave the neck.
Next you be rockin goaties and soul patches!!
And even you must know by now that these definately aint allowed!
I remember i once had a goatee.
When i was 21 years old.
It consisted of a few loose strands.
I was so proud because they made me feel like a man.
Those strands were the only hairs that grew on my face.
And i loved them.
For like 1 day before i realised i looked like a fuckin ponce!
So ok,
goatees are allowed,
but only between the ages of 11 and when you actually need to shave.
If you are reading this now and you have a goatee on your face (saying that,long stupid sideburns too),go fucking clean yourself up.
Groomed facial hair is soo fucking lame.

OK,got that out of my system.
Apologies to all my friends who have groomed facial hair.
I didn't mean it.
Really i didn't.

Next up.

"Take a step forward"

Now these words make me want to kill.
Have you twigged what i'm talking about yet?
you've guessed it.
It's when bands tell the audience to take just one step forward at gigs.
It's the worst thing ever.
We all know it's the worst.
We all know we've heard it a million times before.
But the stupid cunts embarrass us into that awful tiny shuffle forward.
What,do you think we are going to suddenly start fucking each other on the floor to your pounding punk rock clatterprattle?
While you stand there like gods.
Wanking over us with your massive cocks?
I mean come on.

Also,all that staged,rehearsed syncronized swimming routines you pull on us.
I remember the first time a band pulled that shit on me.
First night of the tour they came out and blew me away.
I was like wow,these people are amazing.
The bastards really know how to put on a show.
Just so entertaining.Woooh
but then the next night i was perplexed (yes perplexed) to be watching an identical performance.
And then the next night.
Then i realised that these people were cunts,
and paedophiles.
Reading from a fucking script!!
I mean come on.
One more thing before i finish really offending all my band mates hahaha
Playing the old "buy our merch coz we can't eat and can't afford petrol unless you do!"

I mean for fucks sake come on?
What sort of cunts are you?
That worse that all the shit begging adverts i see of an evening when i'm forced to watch cookery programs with my girlfriend.

On that assumption i very much doubt you'd of got further than the 1st night.
Coz we don't want your home burnt punk/scar/rockabilly/grunge/indy/flavor of the month by numbers bullshit.

Stop lying to us.
Stop lying to yourselves.
Is that how you spell lying??

Actually i'll tell you what?
Maybe i should just stop being a cunt.


Thursday, 5 January 2012

New years resolution

I failed
before the day was out
to write
365 posts,
but to be honest,
what waffle
they would
have been