Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Shiny Motorbikes

I could buy a trendy bar,
with a flood lit area to park my car,
and a motorcycle enclosure.
everybody likes
shiny motorbikes

Cous cous?

Hell yeah.

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Los Angeles lyrics

you never wanted one of my songs
go cheapen someone else
don't insult me
there can be only one.

They said it would'nt last
a sober alcoholic farce
they said i was too sensible for Candace
and her too drunk for Alex

Her too drunk for me.

And i know my music isn't cool enough for you
but i'd like to try the tight pants if you'll let me?
seduced me on a plane
fed me grapes and valium
and swapped stories of lovemaking in Paris
and it hurt alex

and it hurt me.


I went to Los Angeles
expecting to find someone else dancing in your boots
proving me wrong again
Los angeles
i bet my soul that you were like all of the other girls
proving me wrong again

lala lal lala ala la la la etc

We'll spend our lives together move to the country
buy a golden retriever and start a family
imaginary children,us on holidee
granny's moaning in the car whilst mum makes sandwichs

in Los angeles expecting to find someone else dancing in your boots

New album lyrics/Friends forever

Friends forever.

And the love went,
hard to admit that shit coz we were friends
friends forever.

and i let the orange juice
roll down my chin onto my clean white shirt
Orange juice rolls down my chin.
and my girl'll come in drunk
shoot her drunken mouth off
i back down to stop the screaming
coz it's 3 oclock


and the love went
hard to admit that shit coz we were friends
and the love went,and the love went
and the love went
hard to admit that shit coz we were friends friends forever,

you know i gotta go out,
get something for my head
if i keep on doing this i'm gonna end up dead.
Thirsty and miserable
like a black flag song
Thirsty and miserable like Obi Wan
in the desert with the sand people.

Mid 8

hooray another pain in the ass
thorn in my side
player of games just died

and i am here
in hollywood
with all the fakes
and all things shallow and false.

and now i wanna smash things
but it aint my house to break
it's the crack of dawn and seagulls
are keeping me awake.
i'll pull back the curtains
shut out the light again
and i let the orange juice
run down my chin.

Saturday, 31 July 2010

That green eyes monster strikes again(rather dramatically)

Jealousy rots me.
It stinks and burns into my throat.
Lays in my gut like raw,undercooked chicken.
I didn't have to,didn't want to know everything.
and yes,we are all guilty of dropping the unnecessary at the beginning.
The creeping truth,
the past.
Haunting us,
mocking,especially when we are most tired and run down.
Slithering up my windpipe.
Sinking barbs into my esophagus.
And all those that came before,
all that lay with you,
taking with them notches of the heart that i will take as mine.
Let the frigid hand of death
steal you in the night.

Monday, 26 July 2010

Elbows,part 2

If it aint elbows
then it's their fuckin legs.
What is it with you people?
Do your bollox not fit between your thighs?
Stop invading my space
and fuck off back to the gym.
I wouldn't piss on you
if you were on

Sunday, 25 July 2010


I think of childhood.
It was OK
but a load of shit compared to life now.
Spicey curry Pot noodles,
fresh cream chocolate eclairs from Portland Rd bakers (South Norwood),
the one legged man in the swimming pool.
too revolted to share the same water.
Porn mags.
Guilt from as long as i can remember.
The sun,
through curtains into a darkened room.
On a hospital bed.
Bone dry mouth from the pink liquid i had to drink.
Faces above to take from my body.
My foreskin,
my tonsils,
my adenoids.
To prick my ear drums 4 times with grommits.
The discovery of them months later on my pillow.
My mutilated childs willy,
soaking the scabs off in the bath.
My friends,
Nitin Patel(chilli powder on pop corn),
Peter Hart(poor family,a bag of sweets for Christmas.His drunk dad taking his belt to him).
Shitting my pants on the reading mat at school.
Too scared to ask for the toilet.
fat Jamaican Claudet and her posse of little white bitchs
pushing the door open on me when i did actually use the fuckin toilet.
Laying in bed with my mum.
Listing all the animals i'd seen at London Zoo.
It's a start i suppose.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Poems on the underground

Poems on the underground.
For the the bleary eyed,now belittled,to contemplate and dismiss as awful crap.
Throw away shit coz that's what they really are.
Deigned to divide again the educated from the working classes.
A secret code as to say,
"Hark,look at this patronizing bilge Charlie,those poor fuckers haven't a clue".

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Flying Medallions diaries

I thought i'd start putting my memories of the Meds down.
Ramshackle as they come along like.
Maybe i'll get into it and something like a book'll appear.
I wanna write again about the end.
All the weird stuff that preceded events on the night of September the 10th 1995.
Ok,let's get spooky.

Our album,"We love everybody and everything's great".
This was of course kinda ironic.We hated everything.hahaha
The very first thing you hear is a sample of a car crash.
We used it as the intro to the tune "Boy racer".

Just before we travelled into mainland Europe,we joked about releasing a story to the music press that we had all died in a tour bus accident.
The plan was to return 6 months later,to rise from the dead.
We titled the press release the Second Cumin in reference to the stone roses forthcoming record.
How we all laughed at the spicey piss take.

Mr Stevens wrote the song lyrics,"I wanna be in a coma coz it's great".

Duggie had a tattoo of the Grim Reaper done on his arm.

We went over to do the Festival.
The tire blew out on a French motorway on the way home.
The bus hit the central reservation at 70 mph,flipped about a million times before coming to rest on it's roof.
Duggie and Mr Stevens were both thrown from the side windows as the Bus flipped out and rolled over and over.
Both suffered massive head injuries.
Mr Stevens got his wish of being in a coma,
Duggie met the Grim Reaper.

This shit changed my life.
Be careful what you wish for.
We courted controversy.
you live by the sword,you die by the sword.
These days i try to greet the day with a smile.
Love ya neighbours,
All that shit.
Believe in peace and love.

To Aoife

You are warm.
You do not disappoint.
You calm the storm in my gut.
The storm that rages in your absence.
I get lost in your kisses,
get lost in hot swoony breath.
Get lost in your freckles,blue eyes and sweat.
Taste and memories,
keeping me going,
on my toes,
Surviving on lust,
living off love ready to burst.
holding off,
holding back.

Saturday, 15 May 2010

In love

We came together.
And i realised how rare a treasure is that.
We fell and rested.
Our breathing rapid returning to calm.
That release,
that snap,that perfectly timed moment
before the world returns like freshly fired bricks.

Old man

Old man awake and confused.
The dreams on the tip of his tongue
disintegrate like the proud erections of youth.
Bearded mouth,
a barking camels baking pit
gulps week old stale water
followed by the disorientating stumble to vertical.
that dizzy dance to expel dehydrated orange fire.
Clinging to the banister coz
old knees need a while to function properly
with the youthful swagger one insists upon them.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

DJ Shades adventure?????

How fuckin wierd is that?
I just signed in and i became DJ Shades Adventure????
Who the fuck is DJ Shades Adventure??
There was his blog.
I could of wrote all kinds of shit.
But i didn't because i am silly.
I am regretting it now.
I could of well took the piss.
My old mate DJ Shades Adventure could suddenly have become well into shit like car stereos and Porsches.
And football.
And bumming.
I'm such a cock.
Why can i not get further than a few lines without bringing up the old football prejudices gay locker room rugger boy pack mentality wanker stuff.
Maybe coz people into sports where man is pitched against man,healthy competition encouraged and all that manly i'm a fucking idiot i'll wear the shirt and show my colours please accept me can i be part of your gang?what you looking at cunt,i'm a man stick a glass in your face stuff,
makes me sick.
Tonight anyway.
Usually i'll wear a Spurs shirt.
So there you have it.
there you have what?
I've forgotten what i was going to say.
I remember.
Who thought our stuff was secure eh?
If "Dj Goody two shoes whatever his name was" suddenly swaps identities with Cement you Cunt,
What the fuck?????
He'd be corrupting children by now.
Stay out of my fuckin blog.
you bastard.
Keep ya fucking Porsches and ya sports.
Yeah fuck off.

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Notes from the sex manual

MTV promiscuity pornstar culture.

Sex is precious.A womans body is totally fuckin amazing.Every single fuckin bird on the planet with their bumps and holes and odors and crannies.
Be grateful for every kiss,every touch,every fuck,every intimate squelch.
I see a whole generation of young women opening their legs as casually as opening a tin of cat food.
What the fuck????
You are the shit!It is not good to be a pornstar.It is not good to fuck your girlfriends.
This book is about loving the best thing in the world,PUSSY.
Love and respect.
Girls.I love you.

Thursday, 25 March 2010

25th March

Ok people.
Amazing,i actually feel inspired to write again.
The sex manual is in the air.
those awkward case studies are about to get rinsed.
But 1st,
mate,lemme tell you about my dinner last night.


Go to the store and buy.

Some lamb rump meat/steaks,cost me 3 quid for 3.
pack of pitta bread
pack of halumi cheese
some of that yogurt/cucumber stuff that begins with a "T" which i can't pronounce,let alone spell.
A lime
a chilli
some olive oil
splash of wine.

a pack of salad(for show like,especially if you are cooking for a bird)
random herbs.Corriander/basil/tymne however you spell it/all that shit.

Get a frying pan.
I have one that is quite heavy.
dunno if that makes any difference though.

A bowl for mixing.

This it it.
we are ready.

Get the lamb rump steaks.
Chuck them in the bowl.
Pour over a good lot of olive oil.
loads of salt and pepper then the herbs.
Half the lime and squish it all in then chuck the skins in.
Cut up and wack in the chilli.

Cut the hallumi into thick slices
and wack that in the bowl too.

Get ya hands in and carefully mix that shit up.

Be carefull not to break up the hallumi
that's why ya gotta cut them pretty thick like.

Get ya frying pan.
Heat a bit of olive oil.
Heat that shit hot.
High heat
Till it's fuckin volcanic.

Slam in the meat and lime skins.
Cook each side for about 2 minutes
Forcing them fuckers down with a spatula.
Flip em
the cooked side i want charred yeah.
If they aint then they aint ready for flipping.

There's 4 sides to them steaks.
you gotta burn the edges too yeah.
Incinerate the bastards.
I wanna smell charred flesh.
chuck in any spare lime juices.

ok,8 to 10 mins down the line yeah chuck in a splash of wine if ya got and burn that shit away.
Don't matter if you aint.

carefully add the halumi to the pan.
Cook each side for about a minute till they're brown.
Flip and do the other side.

shit's ready to eat.

Toast some pitta.
cut into strips

get the yogurt stuff.

Dip that pitta in and eat.
Get the salad.


it's well good.

the lamb was slightly pink inside.
You can cook that stuff way longer than beef and it still remains tender.

telling ya,the meat was melt in the mouth.

I gotta just say
i've kinda shot my load now.
I have coffee.

I must start work on the Sex manual.

Focus Alexander.

Sunday, 21 March 2010


I see love everywhere tonight.
And god.
I see the black couple,
his head on her hair,
eyes closed.
Such peace on his plump lips,
her gaze to the window.
The white couple just there in front,
him reading documents.
She kisses his cheek.
Pure cheeky affection
and i am touched by all of this.
And tonight,
God stirs in me.
I give to the usual tube beggar.
His usual nasal skag whine now fills me with love for mankind.
Give what you can.
There's always someone worse off than you.
Put yourself in their shoes
A man is pretty desperate when he needs comfirmation that he shouldn't drink British rail issued bathroom cleaner left on the hand dryer.
That hard earned pound of yours will bring some respite.
Half an hour of Tennants sippings will make it slightly better for a little while.
What's a pound to you.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

script for Kelly.The Champion

Scene 1. Int. Inside a bus, looking up at the sun through the window.

Song: Los Angeles - Wonk Unit.

Ash is a 20-year-old male listening to his ipod, looking out of a window. The sun shines down across his face, as if he were in California. He has a grounded and confident air about him, and he’s happy.. The song ‘Los Angeles’ is playing, so the viewer presumes he is on a bus in LA.

Scene 2. Int. Bus.

Ipod keeps cutting out, and the music is Changing from Los Angeles to the sound of R’n’B being played on Tinny speakers, and the voices of idiot hoods are heard. Up until this point it’s in colour, and every time the Los Angeles song is cut and replaced by the chavs music, it goes from colour to grimy black and white. Camera pulls back and you discover he is on a London bus. Focus on the hoodies.

Hoodie 1: “Did you see me hit that fuckin boy? I smacked that boy, fucking hit him smack in the face. Shit man, you see his nose bleeding? See his white boy mate shit it?”

Hoodie 2: “I got their weed as well.”

Hoodie 1: “Rude Skin up, skin up blud”

hoodie 2: "fuck off you skin up.Mate i got his fucking blood on my trainers How the fuck did that get there.mate You gotta pay me for some new shoes"


Scene 3

Hear the sounds of 2 youts skinning up, and then sparking a joint on the bus. Cuts back to Ash. He pulls a book out of his bag, ‘To kill a mockingbird’ By Harper Lee. Ipod jumps to life. Film becomes colour, sun comes out, we are now back on a Californian road trip.


The piece is cut back to black and white, interrupted by a further hood, walking past kicking Ash’s foot. He whips the hat off of Ash’s head and walks to the back of the bus.

Hood 3:thanks mate.Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh hahahahahaha

Cut to Middle aged Mother and 10 year old daughter.

Mother: “Do you mind not smoking that in front of my daughter?”

Daughter: “Mum, shut up.”

Mother: “It stinks, it’s revolting. You’re revolting. Why don’t you just piss off? Can’t you see you’re intimidating everyone?She's ten years old for god's sake”

Hoodie 1: “Fuck off, you cunt.”

Hoodie 2: “Nah you fucking cunt, you want us to fucking rape you? D’you wanna suck my dick you fucking bitch? You’re lucky I don’t get your ugly little pink slut blazin it up with us.You wants some darling?Smoke the ganja,Weed yeah?naah Cunt.”

Daughter starts crying. Old man 2 seats behind Ash stands up.

Old Man: “Okay lads that’s enough, can’t we stop this now, we’ve all had hard days. Can everyone please calm down.We don't want any trouble can we all........?”

Bus engines cut.

Hoodie 3: “Sit the fuck down old man . Fucking sit down.”

Old man:How dare you!I will not sit down.You will not scare me.You do not scare me.Now GET OFF THIS INSTANT.DRIVER!DRIVER CALL THE POLICE.

scene 5

Whilst this is all going on, the camera keeps flicking back from the action to Ash’s face. There is a battle of wills going on. The camera focuses on his hands gripping the book, Goes to his face, he closes his eyes and shakes his head, and you see him mutter 'please' to himself. It’s like there’s a battle within. He knows he should get involved but he also knows he’ll pay for it.

Hoodie 2 goes striding up to the old man and smacks him round the head.

Hoodie 2: "bam,you like that.Brap.Yes codger yeah"

Old man;Arrrrrrrrrrgh.Help me.Oh god no please don't hurt me.......

At this, Ash leaps up, turns around.

Ash: “Woah woah, hold it down man. No one wants this shit; no one wants this fucking shit. Old Bill are probably fucking coming man, why don’t you just get off the bus and leave this shit?”

Hoodie 1 stands up and opens a can of coke.

Hoodie 1: “You fucking pussyhole, what did you say?What did you fucking say?Who ya telling to do fucking what?.”

Hoodie 1 loses it, runs up to ash and smacks the can and contents into ash’s face as he falls into his seat sheilding his face

. Hoodie 1 spits on ash. ‘You fucking batty boy. You fucking pussy, chi chi man. I kill fucking fassy boys like you ’

Hoodie 1 laughs as he walks down the stairs. The other 2 hoodies follow hoodie 1, laughing. Nonchalantly throw a punch at Ash and ripping his Ipod from his shirt pocket.

Hoodie 2: "Taxed,hahahahahah you been taxed mate."

Hoodie 3 "‘Eh, fassy boy.?’

Laughing, he goes to get his dick out and piss on Ash.

Hoodie 2 form below:‘ Mate, what are you doing?’

2 Calls down to hoodie 1

‘Mate you aint gonna believe what C-macs doing.’

Hoodie 1 Laughing, begins to walk back up the stairs. As hoodie 3 begins to piss, Ash leaps up and with both feet, kicks the geezer in the chest, down the stairs. The back of his head hits the window, and the window smashes. He then falls down onto the other 2 hoodies who are walking up.

Hoodie 1 ‘Fool, what you doing, get the fuck off me, mate, what you doing?!’

Hoodie 2: "Ow,ya burning me ya fucking idjert,"

Hoodie:"Eh nigga get the fuck up."

new scene,s

As the three hoods are now a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Instinct takes over in a flash, Ash is up, standing at the top of the stairs looking down. Coca Cola and blood dripping down his face. Terrified, Adrenaline overload. He doesn’t know what to do. Suddenly he’s leapt down the stairs and with all his weight, he’s jumped onto the mass of bodies at the bottom of the stairs, The crack of a bone breaking as he lands on bodies, and a scream.

hoodie 2; "arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.fuck fuck fuck.my leg my leg,help me.fucking help me"

new scene slow mo prokoviev romeo and juliet plays

The bodies are still somehow or other, lodged in the stair well, unable to get up, and Ash keeps on jumping up and down. Frenzied. He is mad.Like when Bruce Lee kills the geezer in Enter the dragon.Jumping up and down.Cuts to fresh scene.

Ash:"I'm the champion.I'm the fucking champion.Cunts.Fucking cunts.Fuckings cunts.You fuckin wannit yeah.You wankers wanted this."

Ash is hysterical,Sobbing.

Ash:"Stay down.Stay the fuck fucking down.I didn't want this.No one wanted this you stupid fucking idiots."

Calming down.Crying Spent.Steps off.

Scene 5

Black and white cuts back to full colour, and Ash is pulled off his feet and out the doors to the pavement and smashed to the ground by three police officers. It’s only then that from his position on the floor, he looks back and sees the wreckage created

The Mother, after seeing him being held down by the police, is screaming down the stairs,

Lady:‘He was only trying to help! No one wanted this, he was only trying to help.’

The Mother, crying fresh tears,

Lady:‘Oh god, oh god, i'm sorry bunny.Oh god it's ok.it's ok now.Everything's ok now’.

Daughter looking out the window,

Daughter‘Why are the police holding down the boy? Why are the police holding down the boy? Who was he mummy? Why are the police holding him down?’

Old man,smiling tears rolling down cheeks tries to console her:

Old man:‘It's alright princess ya mummy's ok.The police'll sort it all out.Those nasty boys'll go to prison.He'll be fine... That was the Champion. That was…The champion.’

End scene.

Ash handcuffs and put in Meat wagon

Ambulance pulls up.

Sunday, 10 January 2010


Pale moonlit buttocks
and their sleeping owner unaware of my wanking intentions.
Frustratingly cautious,
the slow soft jerk.
Withheld breath released and pumping heart hammers home my guilty secret.
"Was that nice angel?"
she asks.
"You could of fucked me you know."

Notes from the sex manual,The affair/cheating

We've all been there so if ya thinking about it,
let us make that mistake for ya.
It all boils back to the classic "grass is greener" scenario.
And it aint greener,it's shit.
it will be a world of pain.
But if ya just "gotta" cheat then at least be a man about it.
Rule 1,
Never tell.
Rule 1,
Deny everything.
Don't be a guilt ridden pussy and blab to your lovely wife.
why would you do that to Stephanie?
Why would you wanna hurt her?
To relief your own fuckin burden?
Pussy ole.
You weak fuckin cunt.
If ya gonna cheat,then do it responsibly.
Wear a fuckin hat and be prepared to take that guilty secret to the grave with you.
You gotta carry that weight because 9 times out of 10 you'll realise that you weren't in love with Darleen at the Echo and as soon as you spill your seed,you is gonna shit.
I have warned you.

This is a poem i once wrote about betrayal.

And then,
pearly white awkwardness,
utterly useless.
We'd planned such magnificent things.
Removed from fingers like stringy dirt,
dispatched without love onto the floor
where it lays with hastilly removed clothes
and phones on silent



at the porcelain.
So aware of that foul wanker next to me.
i wait to release,
to empty.
stagefright delays

yet 2 hours later
readily embrace the hand of a woman
to steady that stream back at my place.

thinking we like cows,
squeezing,stemming the flow
to my uncomfortable repremands.
The horror
of piss on their hands.
the nervous laughter
that they done right.
there's a good girl,
that's the spirit,
you're gonna get fucked.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Do the world a favour.Are you our next drummer?

This statement.
About doing the world a favour.
I think that's fair enough.
Coz don't we all know that cool kids love Wonk unit.
Actually i'm not sure that kool kids are allowed to like Wonk unit yet.
They were in San Diego last year.
But that was because we didn't have a drum kit or amps so we used a bin instead and just plain Di'd the guitars.
That was kool.
We impressed the hell out of the kool sharks there in the Soda room.
I loved that show
and i loved the cool crowd too.
Big up the kool crowd.
And yourself.
Does anyone out there fancy playing drums for us?
I mean,there's some pretty heavy bait here,know what i'm saying.
You get to sit next to Kool Cat alex and his wonderful loving persona.
And Tommy.
He is dark and swarthy.
He is nice too.
We are like men.
But kind men.
Don't think we'll mollycoddle you in any funny way though.
We are men remember.
Tall dark firm men.
Men who've done their time on the road.
Men who've walked life the long way round.
Heterosexual men.
you like that.
But if you were a homosexual drummer then that would be cool too.
Possibly even cooler?
We would actually join the cool skool if we had a gay drummer!!!
Ok,you don't have to be gay to join wonk unit but if might help.
Or a girl drummer?
That bird from the Carpenters could play some mean funk that's for sure.
Ok enough's enough.
I started this bulletin uninspired.
And now i an happy because a few minutes later,i have laughed out loud and felt the creative juices stirred for the 1st time in a while.
I will put this on my blog.
and i guess i'll also put it on Fuckbook.
Yes i meant Facebook but hate it.
errrrrrrr oh yeah right.
this is the deal.
Touring pretty much starts in March.
1st the Uk then mainland Europe(east side) in June.
We'll almost certainly head out to the West coast of America at some stage this year and Japan keeps taunting us.
Have you seen Lost in Translation?
Oh my fuckin God!!!
That Scarlet bird is fuckin amazing with that pink hair wig.
Did all us men not fair fall in love with that piece of fine american ass?
That was me going Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.
I guess i was trying to explain my love for her.
and i don't care what anyone says yeah,her and Bill Murrey got it on at the end and lived happilly ever after and everything was good.