Saturday, 23 January 2010

script for Kelly.The Champion

Scene 1. Int. Inside a bus, looking up at the sun through the window.

Song: Los Angeles - Wonk Unit.

Ash is a 20-year-old male listening to his ipod, looking out of a window. The sun shines down across his face, as if he were in California. He has a grounded and confident air about him, and he’s happy.. The song ‘Los Angeles’ is playing, so the viewer presumes he is on a bus in LA.

Scene 2. Int. Bus.

Ipod keeps cutting out, and the music is Changing from Los Angeles to the sound of R’n’B being played on Tinny speakers, and the voices of idiot hoods are heard. Up until this point it’s in colour, and every time the Los Angeles song is cut and replaced by the chavs music, it goes from colour to grimy black and white. Camera pulls back and you discover he is on a London bus. Focus on the hoodies.

Hoodie 1: “Did you see me hit that fuckin boy? I smacked that boy, fucking hit him smack in the face. Shit man, you see his nose bleeding? See his white boy mate shit it?”

Hoodie 2: “I got their weed as well.”

Hoodie 1: “Rude Skin up, skin up blud”

hoodie 2: "fuck off you skin up.Mate i got his fucking blood on my trainers How the fuck did that get there.mate You gotta pay me for some new shoes"


Scene 3

Hear the sounds of 2 youts skinning up, and then sparking a joint on the bus. Cuts back to Ash. He pulls a book out of his bag, ‘To kill a mockingbird’ By Harper Lee. Ipod jumps to life. Film becomes colour, sun comes out, we are now back on a Californian road trip.


The piece is cut back to black and white, interrupted by a further hood, walking past kicking Ash’s foot. He whips the hat off of Ash’s head and walks to the back of the bus.

Hood 3:thanks mate.Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh hahahahahaha

Cut to Middle aged Mother and 10 year old daughter.

Mother: “Do you mind not smoking that in front of my daughter?”

Daughter: “Mum, shut up.”

Mother: “It stinks, it’s revolting. You’re revolting. Why don’t you just piss off? Can’t you see you’re intimidating everyone?She's ten years old for god's sake”

Hoodie 1: “Fuck off, you cunt.”

Hoodie 2: “Nah you fucking cunt, you want us to fucking rape you? D’you wanna suck my dick you fucking bitch? You’re lucky I don’t get your ugly little pink slut blazin it up with us.You wants some darling?Smoke the ganja,Weed yeah?naah Cunt.”

Daughter starts crying. Old man 2 seats behind Ash stands up.

Old Man: “Okay lads that’s enough, can’t we stop this now, we’ve all had hard days. Can everyone please calm down.We don't want any trouble can we all........?”

Bus engines cut.

Hoodie 3: “Sit the fuck down old man . Fucking sit down.”

Old man:How dare you!I will not sit down.You will not scare me.You do not scare me.Now GET OFF THIS INSTANT.DRIVER!DRIVER CALL THE POLICE.

scene 5

Whilst this is all going on, the camera keeps flicking back from the action to Ash’s face. There is a battle of wills going on. The camera focuses on his hands gripping the book, Goes to his face, he closes his eyes and shakes his head, and you see him mutter 'please' to himself. It’s like there’s a battle within. He knows he should get involved but he also knows he’ll pay for it.

Hoodie 2 goes striding up to the old man and smacks him round the head.

Hoodie 2: "bam,you like that.Brap.Yes codger yeah"

Old man;Arrrrrrrrrrgh.Help me.Oh god no please don't hurt me.......

At this, Ash leaps up, turns around.

Ash: “Woah woah, hold it down man. No one wants this shit; no one wants this fucking shit. Old Bill are probably fucking coming man, why don’t you just get off the bus and leave this shit?”

Hoodie 1 stands up and opens a can of coke.

Hoodie 1: “You fucking pussyhole, what did you say?What did you fucking say?Who ya telling to do fucking what?.”

Hoodie 1 loses it, runs up to ash and smacks the can and contents into ash’s face as he falls into his seat sheilding his face

. Hoodie 1 spits on ash. ‘You fucking batty boy. You fucking pussy, chi chi man. I kill fucking fassy boys like you ’

Hoodie 1 laughs as he walks down the stairs. The other 2 hoodies follow hoodie 1, laughing. Nonchalantly throw a punch at Ash and ripping his Ipod from his shirt pocket.

Hoodie 2: "Taxed,hahahahahah you been taxed mate."

Hoodie 3 "‘Eh, fassy boy.?’

Laughing, he goes to get his dick out and piss on Ash.

Hoodie 2 form below:‘ Mate, what are you doing?’

2 Calls down to hoodie 1

‘Mate you aint gonna believe what C-macs doing.’

Hoodie 1 Laughing, begins to walk back up the stairs. As hoodie 3 begins to piss, Ash leaps up and with both feet, kicks the geezer in the chest, down the stairs. The back of his head hits the window, and the window smashes. He then falls down onto the other 2 hoodies who are walking up.

Hoodie 1 ‘Fool, what you doing, get the fuck off me, mate, what you doing?!’

Hoodie 2: "Ow,ya burning me ya fucking idjert,"

Hoodie:"Eh nigga get the fuck up."

new scene,s

As the three hoods are now a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Instinct takes over in a flash, Ash is up, standing at the top of the stairs looking down. Coca Cola and blood dripping down his face. Terrified, Adrenaline overload. He doesn’t know what to do. Suddenly he’s leapt down the stairs and with all his weight, he’s jumped onto the mass of bodies at the bottom of the stairs, The crack of a bone breaking as he lands on bodies, and a scream.

hoodie 2; "arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.fuck fuck leg my leg,help me.fucking help me"

new scene slow mo prokoviev romeo and juliet plays

The bodies are still somehow or other, lodged in the stair well, unable to get up, and Ash keeps on jumping up and down. Frenzied. He is mad.Like when Bruce Lee kills the geezer in Enter the dragon.Jumping up and down.Cuts to fresh scene.

Ash:"I'm the champion.I'm the fucking champion.Cunts.Fucking cunts.Fuckings cunts.You fuckin wannit yeah.You wankers wanted this."

Ash is hysterical,Sobbing.

Ash:"Stay down.Stay the fuck fucking down.I didn't want this.No one wanted this you stupid fucking idiots."

Calming down.Crying Spent.Steps off.

Scene 5

Black and white cuts back to full colour, and Ash is pulled off his feet and out the doors to the pavement and smashed to the ground by three police officers. It’s only then that from his position on the floor, he looks back and sees the wreckage created

The Mother, after seeing him being held down by the police, is screaming down the stairs,

Lady:‘He was only trying to help! No one wanted this, he was only trying to help.’

The Mother, crying fresh tears,

Lady:‘Oh god, oh god, i'm sorry bunny.Oh god it's's ok now.Everything's ok now’.

Daughter looking out the window,

Daughter‘Why are the police holding down the boy? Why are the police holding down the boy? Who was he mummy? Why are the police holding him down?’

Old man,smiling tears rolling down cheeks tries to console her:

Old man:‘It's alright princess ya mummy's ok.The police'll sort it all out.Those nasty boys'll go to prison.He'll be fine... That was the Champion. That was…The champion.’

End scene.

Ash handcuffs and put in Meat wagon

Ambulance pulls up.

Sunday, 10 January 2010


Pale moonlit buttocks
and their sleeping owner unaware of my wanking intentions.
Frustratingly cautious,
the slow soft jerk.
Withheld breath released and pumping heart hammers home my guilty secret.
"Was that nice angel?"
she asks.
"You could of fucked me you know."

Notes from the sex manual,The affair/cheating

We've all been there so if ya thinking about it,
let us make that mistake for ya.
It all boils back to the classic "grass is greener" scenario.
And it aint greener,it's shit.
it will be a world of pain.
But if ya just "gotta" cheat then at least be a man about it.
Rule 1,
Never tell.
Rule 1,
Deny everything.
Don't be a guilt ridden pussy and blab to your lovely wife.
why would you do that to Stephanie?
Why would you wanna hurt her?
To relief your own fuckin burden?
Pussy ole.
You weak fuckin cunt.
If ya gonna cheat,then do it responsibly.
Wear a fuckin hat and be prepared to take that guilty secret to the grave with you.
You gotta carry that weight because 9 times out of 10 you'll realise that you weren't in love with Darleen at the Echo and as soon as you spill your seed,you is gonna shit.
I have warned you.

This is a poem i once wrote about betrayal.

And then,
pearly white awkwardness,
utterly useless.
We'd planned such magnificent things.
Removed from fingers like stringy dirt,
dispatched without love onto the floor
where it lays with hastilly removed clothes
and phones on silent



at the porcelain.
So aware of that foul wanker next to me.
i wait to release,
to empty.
stagefright delays

yet 2 hours later
readily embrace the hand of a woman
to steady that stream back at my place.

thinking we like cows,
squeezing,stemming the flow
to my uncomfortable repremands.
The horror
of piss on their hands.
the nervous laughter
that they done right.
there's a good girl,
that's the spirit,
you're gonna get fucked.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

Do the world a favour.Are you our next drummer?

This statement.
About doing the world a favour.
I think that's fair enough.
Coz don't we all know that cool kids love Wonk unit.
Actually i'm not sure that kool kids are allowed to like Wonk unit yet.
They were in San Diego last year.
But that was because we didn't have a drum kit or amps so we used a bin instead and just plain Di'd the guitars.
That was kool.
We impressed the hell out of the kool sharks there in the Soda room.
I loved that show
and i loved the cool crowd too.
Big up the kool crowd.
And yourself.
Does anyone out there fancy playing drums for us?
I mean,there's some pretty heavy bait here,know what i'm saying.
You get to sit next to Kool Cat alex and his wonderful loving persona.
And Tommy.
He is dark and swarthy.
He is nice too.
We are like men.
But kind men.
Don't think we'll mollycoddle you in any funny way though.
We are men remember.
Tall dark firm men.
Men who've done their time on the road.
Men who've walked life the long way round.
Heterosexual men.
you like that.
But if you were a homosexual drummer then that would be cool too.
Possibly even cooler?
We would actually join the cool skool if we had a gay drummer!!!
Ok,you don't have to be gay to join wonk unit but if might help.
Or a girl drummer?
That bird from the Carpenters could play some mean funk that's for sure.
Ok enough's enough.
I started this bulletin uninspired.
And now i an happy because a few minutes later,i have laughed out loud and felt the creative juices stirred for the 1st time in a while.
I will put this on my blog.
and i guess i'll also put it on Fuckbook.
Yes i meant Facebook but hate it.
errrrrrrr oh yeah right.
this is the deal.
Touring pretty much starts in March.
1st the Uk then mainland Europe(east side) in June.
We'll almost certainly head out to the West coast of America at some stage this year and Japan keeps taunting us.
Have you seen Lost in Translation?
Oh my fuckin God!!!
That Scarlet bird is fuckin amazing with that pink hair wig.
Did all us men not fair fall in love with that piece of fine american ass?
That was me going Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.
I guess i was trying to explain my love for her.
and i don't care what anyone says yeah,her and Bill Murrey got it on at the end and lived happilly ever after and everything was good.