Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Facial hair and stage etiquette

I have a few minutes to kill before i roll.
So let's talk about facial hair.
You are allowed to be clean shaven
You are allowed to be hairy and unshaven.
you can have beards.
You cannot have groomed beards.
They mustn't be all even and straight with clean cut lines.
It's a fuckin beard yeah???
Coz you can't be fuckin bothered to shave.
That's the point.
It aint no fashion statement.
OK ok ok i'll pull back a bit.
You're saying that you need to shave the lower neck coz of the rash that develops?
I'm not sure.
Why not lose the whole fucking lot then?
In fact yes.
Lose the whole fuckin lot.
You aint allowed to shave the neck.
Next you be rockin goaties and soul patches!!
And even you must know by now that these definately aint allowed!
I remember i once had a goatee.
When i was 21 years old.
It consisted of a few loose strands.
I was so proud because they made me feel like a man.
Those strands were the only hairs that grew on my face.
And i loved them.
For like 1 day before i realised i looked like a fuckin ponce!
So ok,
goatees are allowed,
but only between the ages of 11 and when you actually need to shave.
If you are reading this now and you have a goatee on your face (saying that,long stupid sideburns too),go fucking clean yourself up.
Groomed facial hair is soo fucking lame.

OK,got that out of my system.
Apologies to all my friends who have groomed facial hair.
I didn't mean it.
Really i didn't.

Next up.

"Take a step forward"

Now these words make me want to kill.
Have you twigged what i'm talking about yet?
you've guessed it.
It's when bands tell the audience to take just one step forward at gigs.
It's the worst thing ever.
We all know it's the worst.
We all know we've heard it a million times before.
But the stupid cunts embarrass us into that awful tiny shuffle forward.
What,do you think we are going to suddenly start fucking each other on the floor to your pounding punk rock clatterprattle?
While you stand there like gods.
Wanking over us with your massive cocks?
I mean come on.

Also,all that staged,rehearsed syncronized swimming routines you pull on us.
I remember the first time a band pulled that shit on me.
First night of the tour they came out and blew me away.
I was like wow,these people are amazing.
The bastards really know how to put on a show.
Just so entertaining.Woooh
but then the next night i was perplexed (yes perplexed) to be watching an identical performance.
And then the next night.
Then i realised that these people were cunts,
and paedophiles.
Reading from a fucking script!!
I mean come on.
One more thing before i finish really offending all my band mates hahaha
Playing the old "buy our merch coz we can't eat and can't afford petrol unless you do!"

I mean for fucks sake come on?
What sort of cunts are you?
That worse that all the shit begging adverts i see of an evening when i'm forced to watch cookery programs with my girlfriend.

On that assumption i very much doubt you'd of got further than the 1st night.
Coz we don't want your home burnt punk/scar/rockabilly/grunge/indy/flavor of the month by numbers bullshit.

Stop lying to us.
Stop lying to yourselves.
Is that how you spell lying??

Actually i'll tell you what?
Maybe i should just stop being a cunt.



  1. Just laughed out loud in the office at "pounding punk rock clatterprattle".