Monday, 22 October 2012
"THE LAWS OF THE ROAD"
My name is Alex Johnson and today i want to talk to you about "YES TRANSPORTER,HORSE BOX AND OTHER FASCINATING DEVELOPMENTS IN ON ROAD GAMING" These "laws of the road" that are taking the non anarchic punk rock community by storm.
YES TRANSPORTER entered the world as we know it on a mild june day in 2009,In Wales.
Founding father Frank Bingham was driving his Audi car with girlfriend Polly in the passenger seat.
"Yes Transporter!"announced Frank upon spotting a Voltswagon Transporter van.
The legend was born.
Here's how you play:
YES TRANSPORTER,THE RULES
Yes transporter can be played anywhere.It can be played on your own,as a team or with multiple players,pitting their wits against one another in what is quickly becoming the greatest motorway game of all time.
The rules are simple.
Spot a VW Transporter van?
Then state quickly and clearly in a loud voice,
Bang! you've just got your 1st YES Transporter.
A proud moment for all. Feeling smug?
Just try wiping off that smile.
Yes people,"Yes Transporter" is that good.
BUT,don't get too cocky. Yes Transporter has a "catch".
Call a "Yes Transporter" to a parked Transporter or (god forbid) another make of " van" and "Shame on you",you've played a "Foul".And how does it feel?
Need i say more?
But remember,it's just for fun.
But the world moves on and so has "Yes Transporter,the Law of the road"
"DECLARED YES TRANSPORTER INCORPORATING OTHER EXCITING RULES AND "DUNGEON MASTER".
We live in a world that never sleeps,a world that never ceased to throw up new wonders and sights.
And when different "Non Anarchic Punk Rock clans" meet,there's sure to be FIREWORKS!
Duncan Redmonds is the leader of one of these "Non Anarchic Punk Rock Clans".
When i 1st came across Duncan i was absolutely fascinated to hear his alternative "Laws of the Motorway".
We were driving to Derby as part of his "Non anarchic Punk rock/Morris Dance clan","The 5 Shitty Fingers" when out of the blue he trumpeted "HORSE BOX"!
Something stirred deep within.Could it be possible that he too had devised some sort of primitive "Eye Spy" game to while away the miles?
Good grief we all thought.Duncan's having a moment.
And he was,but it was a regulated moment and all part of the fantastic new game that's taking the highs and byways of England by storm.
Play "HORSEBOX" today and feel part of the herd.
Here's the rules:
Like "Yes Transporter" it is played on a journey. Unlike yes Transporter,there is a clear "Winner",so is likely to appeal to the more traditionally masculine amongst us in the "Non anarchic punk rock community"
Like "Yes transporter","Horsebox" is bellowed with excitement at the sighting of a horsebox.
Well done.You've had ya 1st.Enjoy the feeling.Pride isn't a bad thing.
Horsebox is a gentlemans game.
Don't be surprised to be patted on the shoulder by your friends.
So who's the "Winner"?
Well,Horsebox isn't about how many you see.
A stationary horsebox can still be called.
The noble horsebox in a muddy paddock is worth no more than the overturned horsebox causing a traffic jam.
So who wins, you'll be asking yourself?
The answer is simple.
The last horsebox spotted on your journey is the winner and the envy of your traveling companions.
HORSEBOX PENALTY CLAUSE
Call a cattle trailer?
Call a sheep trolley?
SHAME ON YOU.AND SHAME ON YOUR FAMILY!!!!!
Yes.The penalty is severe.
your family is "SHAMED".
You won't find Redmonds calling a "Foul" Horsebox.
He wouldn't put his nearest and dearest through the "SHAME".
And it won't be forgotten in a hurry.I'm frequently called "SHITTERMOUTH" by my band mates when a cattle truck is spotted.
Yes,i called a fake horsebox.
I won't be taking those kind of risks again.
A Horsebox risk taker is known as a "Shittermouth".
An unpleasant term to describe someone who has "shit"quite literally in his or her mouth.
Trust me.Those risks aint worth taking.
Let's move on.
I appreciate that a fair few of you would of been put through ones paces with the last chapter.
I was left breathless writing it.But we are realists.We accept that life has it's ups and downs."Horsebox" mirrors life and so through horsebox,one comes close to death too.
Having friends call you "Shittermouth" is no picnic.
Survival of the fittest.
Life is no picnic.
"BOG VAN" however is a win win winner for all and sundry.
Bog van is a wooded glade compared to "horsebox".
A bog van spotted is a bog van spotted for all!
What is a "Bog Van"?
A bog van is a portable lavatory on the back of a trailer or on a flatbed lorry or truck.
On spying a "Bog van",one declares in a light hearted tone "BOG VAN" whence you turn to see your friends all smiling at you and admiring your dicovery.
Suddenly you are everyones favourite traveller.The "hunter gatherer" of the vehicle.
Well done.We're proud of you.And YOU should be proud of yourself.
IT'S JUST SO MUCH FUN.
Here are some more prizes to be found on your journey,but rememeber,LOOK OUT FOR THE PENALTY CLAUSES!
"MANOWAR" The noble Manowar is a house on the back of a lorry.
Not to be confused with a "Bogner Regis(caravan)".The "Manowar" is the sort of home found in a trailer park.A caravan without the mobility option so to speak.
They tend to hang out over the side of a flatbed lorry causing long tailbacks on smaller roads.
GOOBER PATROL"A canoe on a roof rack.(be careful.you don't want to call a "Goober patrol"only to discover to your dismay and your fellow travellers disgust that it is in fact a kayak.Oh the "SHAME".
VANILLA POD:A mattress tied to the roof of a vehicle.
The Vanilla Pod is the Crown jewels of the motoring gamer.The most precious, rare sighting to be found in all of England
Crime doesn’t pay.
Don't be tempted to "Fake" a Vanilla Pod.
My betrayal of fellow game players and it’s subsequent discover has resulted in the labelling of my family “Traitor Judus Betrayers”
Oh the shame.
JOY DIVISION:A black taxi(but outside the M25)
LUTHER VANDROSS: A fast food burger van
SLAYER: Very rare with only ever one reported siting since its conception, the elusive Slayer is a dog sticking its nose out of the window of a vehicle.
SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK: Bicycles attached to vehicle.Very common so not often included in games but good for beginners.
Honey Wagon: The vehicle and pump that cleans portable bogs.
Bognor Regis: A caravan. Again,too common for serious play but good for beginners.
Pete Townsend: A black Volkswagon Lupo. (rarer than you would think)
WANKER: a Porsche.
On calling a "wanker" the other players have to shout "WANKER" Too. Forget to shout "wanker" and YOU become a WANKER.
TOTAL CUNT MOUTH:
A convertible sports car(with the hood down).The original "TOTAL CUNT MOUTH" was only "called" out of season,ie outside the Summer months of June/July.After a short debate and unanimous verdict it was decided that anyone with a convertable was a "Total Cunt Mouth"
On seeing a "Total Cunt Mouth",the "Spotter" must call "total Cunt mouth" but in the style of Masterchef legend Greg Wallace.
Players then have to poor scorn on the Convertable by screaming "AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGH"Anyone not "Arrrrrrrrrghing"becomes a "Total Cunt mouth"
He’s where the self appointed Dungeon Master’s part comes in.
WHEN THE FINAL GUTTERAL SHREEKS OF “ARRRRRRRRGH” HAVE SUBSIDED
The "DUNGEON MASTER" nominates a single lucky player to mutter “Shitter” under his breath,(also in the style of Masterchef legend Greg Wallace.