Notes from the sex manual,The affair/cheating

We've all been there so if ya thinking about it,
let us make that mistake for ya.
Don't.
It all boils back to the classic "grass is greener" scenario.
And it aint greener,it's shit.
it will be a world of pain.
But if ya just "gotta" cheat then at least be a man about it.
Rule 1,
Never tell.
Rule 1,
Deny everything.
Don't be a guilt ridden pussy and blab to your lovely wife.
why would you do that to Stephanie?
Why would you wanna hurt her?
To relief your own fuckin burden?
Pussy ole.
You weak fuckin cunt.
If ya gonna cheat,then do it responsibly.
Wear a fuckin hat and be prepared to take that guilty secret to the grave with you.
You gotta carry that weight because 9 times out of 10 you'll realise that you weren't in love with Darleen at the Echo and as soon as you spill your seed,you is gonna shit.
I have warned you.
hahahahaha
x

This is a poem i once wrote about betrayal.

And then,
pearly white awkwardness,
utterly useless.
We'd planned such magnificent things.
Removed from fingers like stringy dirt,
dispatched without love onto the floor
where it lays with hastilly removed clothes
and phones on silent


x

Stagefright

Stagefright
at the porcelain.
So aware of that foul wanker next to me.
i wait to release,
to empty.
stagefright delays

yet 2 hours later
readily embrace the hand of a woman
to steady that stream back at my place.

thinking we like cows,
squeezing,stemming the flow
to my uncomfortable repremands.
Shaking.
The horror
of piss on their hands.
the nervous laughter
that they done right.
there's a good girl,
that's the spirit,
you're gonna get fucked.
x

Do the world a favour.Are you our next drummer?

This statement.
About doing the world a favour.
I think that's fair enough.
Coz don't we all know that cool kids love Wonk unit.
hahahahaha.
Actually i'm not sure that kool kids are allowed to like Wonk unit yet.
They were in San Diego last year.
But that was because we didn't have a drum kit or amps so we used a bin instead and just plain Di'd the guitars.
That was kool.
Yup.
We impressed the hell out of the kool sharks there in the Soda room.
I loved that show
and i loved the cool crowd too.
Big up the kool crowd.
And yourself.
Good.
Does anyone out there fancy playing drums for us?
I mean,there's some pretty heavy bait here,know what i'm saying.
You get to sit next to Kool Cat alex and his wonderful loving persona.
And Tommy.
He is dark and swarthy.
He is nice too.
We are like men.
But kind men.
Don't think we'll mollycoddle you in any funny way though.
We are men remember.
Tall dark firm men.
Men who've done their time on the road.
Men who've walked life the long way round.
Yeah.
Heterosexual men.
Mmmmmmmmmmm
Yeah
you like that.
But if you were a homosexual drummer then that would be cool too.
Possibly even cooler?
Wow.
We would actually join the cool skool if we had a gay drummer!!!
Brilliant.
Ok,you don't have to be gay to join wonk unit but if might help.
hahahahahaha
Or a girl drummer?
That bird from the Carpenters could play some mean funk that's for sure.
Ok enough's enough.
I started this bulletin uninspired.
And now i an happy because a few minutes later,i have laughed out loud and felt the creative juices stirred for the 1st time in a while.
I will put this on my blog.
cementyoucunt@blogspot.com
and i guess i'll also put it on Fuckbook.
Yes i meant Facebook but hate it.
Ok.
errrrrrrr oh yeah right.
Drummers.
this is the deal.
Touring pretty much starts in March.
1st the Uk then mainland Europe(east side) in June.
We'll almost certainly head out to the West coast of America at some stage this year and Japan keeps taunting us.
Have you seen Lost in Translation?
Oh my fuckin God!!!
That Scarlet bird is fuckin amazing with that pink hair wig.
Did all us men not fair fall in love with that piece of fine american ass?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
That was me going Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.
I guess i was trying to explain my love for her.
and i don't care what anyone says yeah,her and Bill Murrey got it on at the end and lived happilly ever after and everything was good.
Thankyou.

Alex

x

A Winter affair

I went to the secret apartment many a time that Winter.
Always warm,but musty.
An old smell mixed with washing powder,perfume,damp and cigarettes.
The most comfortable bed i've ever slept in.
And the sex was good but never a chance of love because you were a friends Ex.
And i felt that meloncholy every morning.
Getting dressed
That bedroom ached of it.
you knew that i would never be yours but we still went at each other deranged sometimes.
The detachment making it easier.
I fucking hammered you.
your saliva sweet,cunt tight.
I wasn't supposed to be there.
we were doing it in secret,
selfish maybe for i guessed you were in love with me but pretended not to notice.
Your body,
especially those bee sting tits,
for that Winter,
they were all that mattered.

Destroyed

Fuckin slut teen,
Long gone your innocence and my morality.
And i'm destroyed.
Destroyed by your painted toes,
by your puppy fat plump titties,
by your teddy bear porn pink cunt,
by your asthma pump.
And there you lay.
Hampster face,
sleeping.
And i'm destroyed again.
Destroyed again a million times.

Successful

Successful
A sneer across my face.
We travel before the successful.
We the African princes come toilet cleaners,
we the tired Polish whores,
we the Indian lawyers to be security guards,
we the disgruntled English forced out of jobs once secure.
All sad,all quiet,all together knackered,all humbled.
One day we'll be successful.
A big fuck you to a failed schooling 2 decades before.
Today,tortured spine,broken and worn.
Spent and washed up,
in father's eyes a failure.
Unmarried,skint bitter.

We ride these early mornings.

One day i'll photgraph the tired at my glorious leisure.
Turning them into art for the successful.
One day a bacon sandwich won't seem like a luxury,
Starbucks an irresponsible indulgence.
And i'll return to white sheets and clean carpets.
Return successful to my palace,
give a shit
and flick crumbs on the floor.

The Gallery

Telling ya,
The best place in South London for flesh is the Gallery.
Up the top of Brixton Hill on the right.
A Portugese takeaway.
You can eat in too if you are super cool.
Oh my dayz.
So they have 4 marinades.
Herb,peri peri med and hot and Jedungo(banging heat African sauce)
For £3.50 you can get a star burger.
2 chicken breasts in a bun with a bit of lettuce,tomato and mayo.
Fuck cheese and bacon and all that fancy shit.
this is all you need when it comes to the best chicken sandwich you will ever eat.
I get it Jedungo coz i am a man but it don't fuck ya stomach up like Nandoes does.
This shit is smooth heat.
Even cooler,they give you a handfull of their home made crisps.They are warm.
Yup.
the Bollox.
Back in the days of old when i actually had a few pence in my pocket,i would go crazy there.
Lamb fucking cutlets!!!!
4 of those bastards cooked with the good shit marinade in a foil container.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
I can't bare it.
If you like flesh.
Go to the Gallery.
Them lamb cutlets are like 4 quid.
Their Chicken is the best.
Comes in a white foil bag.
A whole chicken is like £7.50.
It will be the best chicken you have ever eaten.
And Chorizo.A whole chorizo sausage,spliced like a rattlesnakes tail.
Man,you gotta chew that bastard.
Proper hard persons like myself aint afraid of scary sausages.
£2 fuckin 50.
You could easy feed you and ya love one indoors for a tenner.
And she'd be proper in awe of you coz now you is a hunter gatherer and you have just brung her the best feed she's had in time.
One last thing.
They sell the marinade.
Makes Nandoes look stupid.
Telling ya.
xx