Wonky the Dinosaur

Wonky was a dinosaur.
He was a T Rex.
He was green and he had 2 small arms which were only long enough to hold his willy if he needed to do a wee.
If he needed to make a rainbow,he used his tail to swish the rainbow clean away.
His tail was as long as his body and it had spikes on it.
He loved to swish his tail all over the place.
even when he wasn't swishing rainbows.
Wonky's mum and dad were also dinosaurs.His mum was pink and his dad was a moody blue colour.
This suited him greatly because he was also a very moody parent who didn't agree with Wonky's hobby which was skateboarding and drawing monsters.
Because Wonky's dad was an old dinosaur from a different age,he didn't understand skateboarding and drawing monsters.
All he understood was watching Monkey kick the coconut on television and other old fashioned games where dinosaurs where taught to challenge others in tests of strength like long distance stone throwing or who could breath fire the furthest.
Wonky didn't understand these games.
His father called them competitions
Wonky called them cobblers!
Everyone was good at different stuff.
Just because you couldn't run fast didn't make you a failure.
Just because he couldn't do fractions or maths didn't mean he couldn't do the raddest boneless ones on his skateboard.
Wonky knew that everyone has their own special thing that they are brilliant at,just that sometimes it takes a while to find it.
He knew that he was different from his friends but it didn't make him any better or worse than them.
Wonky's best friends were a seahorse called Bonjour and a wood pigeon called Puffin.Bonjour was a french seahorse who just happened to have a naughty streak in him.
Having a naughty streak in you didn't make you bad,it just meant that you sometimes struggled to do what you were told.Bonjour the naughty seahorse was like this.
His parents were bakers and when Bonjour was asked to help out in the shop,he'd always end up having sword fights when wonky came to visit with the stale french sticks that they didn't sell at the end of the day.
Bonjour would teach Wonky french words.
His favourite was Le Chat noir which mean the black cat.
Wonky liked this a lot because he was a Star Trek fan (so was his dad.At least they had that in common!) and Captain Kirk's real name was William Shatner with sounded a bit like chat Noir!
Star trek was a television program from the stone age about space monsters and flying saucers!It has Spooky space music to it that used to make Wonky hide behind the settee.
When ever he watched Star Trek,he always imagined a black cat as the captain of the space ship!
Puffin the wood pigeon didn't really say much but they all loved hanging out together.He would perch in a tree and call to his friends Coo coo coo
Coo coo
coo coo
One day,a group of rock n roll musicians heard his cooing and had him sing on one of their most famous songs.
they were called the Rolling Stones and the song is called "Sympathy for the devil".You can hear him cooing at the end.It's quite a famous bit!
Not many people knew that up until now.
go look it up if you don't believe me.
Wonky,Bonjour and Puffin are best friends.
On sunny days they love to go skateboarding!

"THE LAWS OF THE ROAD"

Hello there.

My name is Alex Johnson and today i want to talk to you about "YES TRANSPORTER,HORSE BOX AND OTHER FASCINATING DEVELOPMENTS IN ON ROAD GAMING" These "laws of the road" that are taking the non anarchic punk rock community by storm.


YES TRANSPORTER entered the world as we know it on a mild june day in 2009,In Wales.
Founding father Frank Bingham was driving his Audi car with girlfriend Polly in the passenger seat.

"Yes Transporter!"announced Frank upon spotting a Voltswagon Transporter van.
Polly smiled.
Enchanted.
The legend was born.



Here's how you play:



YES TRANSPORTER,THE RULES



Yes transporter can be played anywhere.It can be played on your own,as a team or with multiple players,pitting their wits against one another in what is quickly becoming the greatest motorway game of all time.

The rules are simple.

Spot a VW Transporter van?
Then state quickly and clearly in a loud voice,
"YES TRANSPORTER!".

Bang! you've just got your 1st YES Transporter.

A proud moment for all. Feeling smug?
Just try wiping off that smile.

Impossible.

Yes people,"Yes Transporter" is that good.

BUT,don't get too cocky. Yes Transporter has a "catch".

Call a "Yes Transporter" to a parked Transporter or (god forbid) another make of " van" and "Shame on you",you've played a "Foul".And how does it feel?

"DREADFUL".

Need i say more?

But remember,it's just for fun.





But the world moves on and so has "Yes Transporter,the Law of the road"



"DECLARED YES TRANSPORTER INCORPORATING OTHER EXCITING RULES AND "DUNGEON MASTER".



We live in a world that never sleeps,a world that never ceased to throw up new wonders and sights.

And when different "Non Anarchic Punk Rock clans" meet,there's sure to be FIREWORKS!



Duncan Redmonds is the leader of one of these "Non Anarchic Punk Rock Clans".



When i 1st came across Duncan i was absolutely fascinated to hear his alternative "Laws of the Motorway".



We were driving to Derby as part of his "Non anarchic Punk rock/Morris Dance clan","The 5 Shitty Fingers" when out of the blue he trumpeted "HORSE BOX"!

Something stirred deep within.Could it be possible that he too had devised some sort of primitive "Eye Spy" game to while away the miles?

"HORSE BOX"

Good grief we all thought.Duncan's having a moment.

And he was,but it was a regulated moment and all part of the fantastic new game that's taking the highs and byways of England by storm.

Play "HORSEBOX" today and feel part of the herd.

Here's the rules:



Like "Yes Transporter" it is played on a journey. Unlike yes Transporter,there is a clear "Winner",so is likely to appeal to the more traditionally masculine amongst us in the "Non anarchic punk rock community"

Like "Yes transporter","Horsebox" is bellowed with excitement at the sighting of a horsebox.

Well done.You've had ya 1st.Enjoy the feeling.Pride isn't a bad thing.
In moderation.

Horsebox is a gentlemans game.

Don't be surprised to be patted on the shoulder by your friends.

So who's the "Winner"?

Well,Horsebox isn't about how many you see.

A stationary horsebox can still be called.

The noble horsebox in a muddy paddock is worth no more than the overturned horsebox causing a traffic jam.

So who wins, you'll be asking yourself?

The answer is simple.

The last horsebox spotted on your journey is the winner and the envy of your traveling companions.

Fuckin Banging.




HORSEBOX PENALTY CLAUSE





Call a cattle trailer?

Call a sheep trolley?

SHAME ON YOU.AND SHAME ON YOUR FAMILY!!!!!

Yes.The penalty is severe.

your family is "SHAMED".

You won't find Redmonds calling a "Foul" Horsebox.

He wouldn't put his nearest and dearest through the "SHAME".

And it won't be forgotten in a hurry.I'm frequently called "SHITTERMOUTH" by my band mates when a cattle truck is spotted.

Yes,i called a fake horsebox.

I won't be taking those kind of risks again.

A Horsebox risk taker is known as a "Shittermouth".

An unpleasant term to describe someone who has "shit"quite literally in his or her mouth.

Trust me.Those risks aint worth taking.



Let's move on.




I appreciate that a fair few of you would of been put through ones paces with the last chapter.
I was left breathless writing it.But we are realists.We accept that life has it's ups and downs."Horsebox" mirrors life and so through horsebox,one comes close to death too.
Having friends call you "Shittermouth" is no picnic.
Survival of the fittest.
Life is no picnic.

"BOG VAN" however is a win win winner for all and sundry.
Bog van is a wooded glade compared to "horsebox".
A bog van spotted is a bog van spotted for all!
What is a "Bog Van"?

A bog van is a portable lavatory on the back of a trailer or on a flatbed lorry or truck.
On spying a "Bog van",one declares in a light hearted tone "BOG VAN" whence you turn to see your friends all smiling at you and admiring your dicovery.
Suddenly you are everyones favourite traveller.The "hunter gatherer" of the vehicle.
Well done.We're proud of you.And YOU should be proud of yourself.

IT'S JUST SO MUCH FUN.

Here are some more prizes to be found on your journey,but rememeber,LOOK OUT FOR THE PENALTY CLAUSES!

"MANOWAR" The noble Manowar is a house on the back of a lorry.
Not to be confused with a "Bogner Regis(caravan)".The "Manowar" is the sort of home found in a trailer park.A caravan without the mobility option so to speak.
They tend to hang out over the side of a flatbed lorry causing long tailbacks on smaller roads.


GOOBER PATROL"A canoe on a roof rack.(be careful.you don't want to call a "Goober patrol"only to discover to your dismay and your fellow travellers disgust that it is in fact a kayak.Oh the "SHAME".


VANILLA POD:A mattress tied to the roof of a vehicle.
The Vanilla Pod is the Crown jewels of the motoring gamer.The most precious, rare sighting to be found in all of England
Crime doesn’t pay.
Don't be tempted to "Fake" a Vanilla Pod.
My betrayal of fellow game players and it’s subsequent discover has resulted in the labelling of my family “Traitor Judus Betrayers”
Oh the shame.



JOY DIVISION:A black taxi(but outside the M25)

LUTHER VANDROSS: A fast food burger van

SLAYER: Very rare with only ever one reported siting since its conception, the elusive Slayer is a dog sticking its nose out of the window of a vehicle.

SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK: Bicycles attached to vehicle.Very common so not often included in games but good for beginners.

Honey Wagon: The vehicle and pump that cleans portable bogs.

Bognor Regis: A caravan. Again,too common for serious play but good for beginners.

Pete Townsend: A black Volkswagon Lupo. (rarer than you would think)

WANKER: a Porsche.
On calling a "wanker" the other players have to shout "WANKER" Too. Forget to shout "wanker" and YOU become a WANKER.

TOTAL CUNT MOUTH:
A convertible sports car(with the hood down).The original "TOTAL CUNT MOUTH" was only "called" out of season,ie outside the Summer months of June/July.After a short debate and unanimous verdict it was decided that anyone with a convertable was a "Total Cunt Mouth"
On seeing a "Total Cunt Mouth",the "Spotter" must call "total Cunt mouth" but in the style of Masterchef legend Greg Wallace.
Players then have to poor scorn on the Convertable by screaming "AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGH"Anyone not "Arrrrrrrrrghing"becomes a "Total Cunt mouth"

DUNGEON MASTER

He’s where the self appointed Dungeon Master’s part comes in.
WHEN THE FINAL GUTTERAL SHREEKS OF “ARRRRRRRRGH” HAVE SUBSIDED
The "DUNGEON MASTER" nominates a single lucky player to mutter “Shitter” under his breath,(also in the style of Masterchef legend Greg Wallace.

THE END

TEENAGE

my teenage.
I kick office doors through on my walk home to my Carnaby street basement.
Sport.
Boot the locks through.
I sleep in alley ways,naked but for shorts in Summertime.
My shoes fuck knows get lost.
I get carried home from the Brain,the Wag after smoking hash.
I see the room falling away.
I can't lift my head.
I sleep where i fall.Always.
I wake on Sunday mornings.
Without keys and money.
On brick paving.
I wake to brick paving.
Tarmack.
Piss Alleys.
I wake on cardboard.baking sun beating down on my death thirst.
Next to real tramps and rats.
To tourists staring.
I wake the landlords and pub managers for a tenner to see me through.
Pubs shut on Sundays.
I am 17

THE WAR

I stand on the frontline but i am beyond danger.
To my right are West Germany,to my left the England.
Back and forth the charges go,missiles sailing above.
The Germans have the Skakespears Head to ransask,the England have the postcard stands and window displays.
And i stand there smoking.
Watching the unfortunates take it on the ground at my feet.
A mass game of Kabbadi right there on the brick pavers.
I am beyond your violence.
I have no fear.
You see my face.
I am a fuckin cunt with a skinhead and i cannot be harmed.
You glasses bounce off me like cherry blossom.

SNOWBALLS

I throw snowballs at the business man walking home through Green park.
innocent beautiful snow peace and me a horrible fuckin rat cunt.
He sees me
sizing him up.
Menace with a fuckin snow ball.
Who is this fuckin freak throwing snow balls at me?
Why does he stand there throwing fuckin snowballs at me.
Why doesn't he moves.
But i just block his path and throw at him.
And then he's on me,
trying to put me over.
and i laugh.
Give a shit mate.
Give a fuckin shit.

YOU'VE ARRIVED

It's a funny old place when you arrive.
All the old issues of being desperate disappear.
The ultimate freedom.
Law has no hold,money has no appeal,guilt is nothing,fear is nothing,pain is nothing.
It's end of hunger.the end of craving.
It's the place of the lawless.The freedom of the lawless.
You are the day.
As you please ,as you want.
Nothing matters.
Fuck,steal,hurt,
Nothing touches the sides.
Who fucking cares.
I don't.

NIGHT WATCH

She is at her desk all peace and calm but for the groans of the recently removed,transplanted,bypassed.
The rattle wheeze of ventilators and sobs.
Clarity.
Clarity warm,calm and clear.
Wobble leg opiate clarity calm.
To stop the shakes.A secret peace in the dead of night.
Peace amongst the desperate.
Peace in the last chance saloon.
and i feel like a fuckin fraud.